China Produced Doll Goes a Step Too Far

In a breathtakingly swift decision, Chinese doll manufacturer FuKup Junk, is recalling it's new doll released for the U.S. market called Pole Dance Patty. Company officials would not comment on reports that U.S. inspectors detected high levels of lead and arsenic residue in the doll's g-string, although company spokesperson, Michelle Mungslut, admitted that the doll was designed after a group of engineers returned from an advanced styrofoam convention held in Las Vegas.

Complicating matters was it's inauspicious initial entry into the Western market with it's recall of the company's other major doll: "Shave Baby Barbie."

Hamas Team Places Dead Last at Hawaii's Ironman Triathlon

Hamas's Johnny Jihadi Triathlon Team prepares for the 2.4 mile swim portion of the event

Ismail Haniyah, senior Hamas Prime Minister, has chosen the athletic high road for his good-natured band of ruffians in their slow evolution from jew loathing non-state terrorist actor to Olympic contender. Using money received from Hezbollah affiliated warloards and Syrian sporting goods stores wishing to sponsor their entry, Mr. Haniyeh has assembled a world-class group of out of work suicide bombers more than willing to do what it takes for a medal.

"I will tear out the eyes of the infidels if they swim too close to me," raged Yoyo Ayyashkabibi, the captain of the elite team as he attempted to inspire his teammates to dip their toes in the placid waters. In a tragic turn of events, the squad never made it to the second leg ofthe triathlon, the 112 mile bike ride around the island, as they all drowned under the weight of their traditional finely embroidered deluxe "Saudi Al Defeh" Style Disha Dashas.

Republicans Have Proof Obama is a Non-Resident Muslim

Michael Steele, RNC Chair, released a photo purportedly showing Barack Obama (far right in photo) voting in the recent Afghan election.

"I mean, the guy has a photo identity card for heaven's sake," screamed Steele on the popularly syndicated Lou Dobbs radio show. "No one's seen this guy in the last 24 hours and this is proof he skipped the country to vote in a foreign election."

To Dobb's credit he only allowed 50 minutes of air time to the segment and signed off with: "I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' babies!"

Swiss Banker Receives Blowjob at Geneva Conference

In a characteristically neutral pose, Swiss finance minister and president, Hans-Rudolf Fredundethelmerz, shows no emotion after receiving simultaneous blowjobs by two Swiss

Geschlechtweiblichzungekehle girls (or Kelly girls for short). The women, who perform this service as a patriotic duty, work for trinkgeld (tips) and the occasional foreign service post.

Apparently Minister Fredundethelmerz was more than neutral as autopsy reports later concluded: "Er starb mit einem Lächeln auf seinen Gesichts- und listickflecken auf seinen Hosen."

Real Reason Whole Foods is Downsizing

Exclusive to The Daily Brewhaha

John Mackey, ex-CEO of Whole Foods (see previous post) and now Anonymous-Blogger-in-Residence for his new dating site, Pot Belly Pig Fecal Emporium, has admitted to this reporter the reason he recently offered the company for sale on the "women seek women" portion of craigslist.

In an unusual moment of candor for the "Jolly Green Giant" (his tag on popular underage bulletin boards) Mr. Mackey said "I was constantly being hacked by gay Eastern Europeans with an obvious agenda," producing a receipt from one of his stores.

Mr. Mackey, wearing a hat made of tin foil and dressed only in a Hugh Hefner silk pajama top, broke down and wept when he realized that his life's work was now the property of Mathilda "Mac" MacKenzie, an unemployed concrete mixer from Des Moines Iowa.

Ms. MacKenzie, when reached by phone, said she was planning to change the orientation of the store to cater to lesbians only. "What do you think of the name "Hole Foods?" she asked.

Whole Foods to Downsize in Tough Market

John Mackey, the CEO of the Austin, Texas based foods grocer Whole Foods, has decided to consolidate the over 300 worldwide locations it operates in the United States, Canada, and the United Kingdom into a single ice cream stand.

Pictured here with his bi-sexual Pilates instructor and National Sales Director, Gwynneth Flush, Mr. Mackey has decided to sell the company on craigslist and donate all proceeds to the International Federation of Uniformed Crossing Guards, headquartered in an undisclosed Quonset hut in East Malaysia.

This was a major surprise to both the company's Board of Directors and Wall Streeters, who immediately recommended shifting portfolios of the stock from Buy to Hold.

When asked why he chose this unorthodox strategy for his company, Mr. Mackey was circumspect: "Gwynneth and I decided that the company needed to be structured around the principles advocated by Joseph Pilates, especially around thinking of the lungs as a bellows." Huckseed Flax et fils, a major Belgian shareholder, is in the process of having Mr. Mackey committed to the nearest green-friendly insane asylum.

Iranian Supreme Leader Declares for World Games

Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, only the second Supreme Leader of the Revolution in modern Iranian history, has decided to enter the 2010 World Pole Vaulting championships to be held in Las Vegas Nevada. Due to his extreme religious beliefs, tournament organizers were trying to arrange for the mass deportation and rendition of local sex workers to friendly Arab states during the popular event.

The Ayatollah prefers to pole vault enshrouded in a modified burqa (pictured at right) and a pair of Twelve Imāms urine-dipped Nike Air Jordans. According to an anonymous source who was not authorized to speak in accordance with hadith (and under threat of being stoned to death caused by coerced confession and corroborating testimony of four male eyewitnesses) Ayatollah Khamenei has been practicing in secret for the past few months and has landed on his purdah more than once.

The pictures shows a reflective Ayatollah preparing for his third attempt at 1 meter (3 feet). This reporter can only say Alhamdulillah, Ayatollah and Yarhamukallah.