China Produced Doll Goes a Step Too Far

In a breathtakingly swift decision, Chinese doll manufacturer FuKup Junk, is recalling it's new doll released for the U.S. market called Pole Dance Patty. Company officials would not comment on reports that U.S. inspectors detected high levels of lead and arsenic residue in the doll's g-string, although company spokesperson, Michelle Mungslut, admitted that the doll was designed after a group of engineers returned from an advanced styrofoam convention held in Las Vegas.

Complicating matters was it's inauspicious initial entry into the Western market with it's recall of the company's other major doll: "Shave Baby Barbie."

Hamas Team Places Dead Last at Hawaii's Ironman Triathlon

Hamas's Johnny Jihadi Triathlon Team prepares for the 2.4 mile swim portion of the event

Ismail Haniyah, senior Hamas Prime Minister, has chosen the athletic high road for his good-natured band of ruffians in their slow evolution from jew loathing non-state terrorist actor to Olympic contender. Using money received from Hezbollah affiliated warloards and Syrian sporting goods stores wishing to sponsor their entry, Mr. Haniyeh has assembled a world-class group of out of work suicide bombers more than willing to do what it takes for a medal.

"I will tear out the eyes of the infidels if they swim too close to me," raged Yoyo Ayyashkabibi, the captain of the elite team as he attempted to inspire his teammates to dip their toes in the placid waters. In a tragic turn of events, the squad never made it to the second leg ofthe triathlon, the 112 mile bike ride around the island, as they all drowned under the weight of their traditional finely embroidered deluxe "Saudi Al Defeh" Style Disha Dashas.

Republicans Have Proof Obama is a Non-Resident Muslim

Michael Steele, RNC Chair, released a photo purportedly showing Barack Obama (far right in photo) voting in the recent Afghan election.

"I mean, the guy has a photo identity card for heaven's sake," screamed Steele on the popularly syndicated Lou Dobbs radio show. "No one's seen this guy in the last 24 hours and this is proof he skipped the country to vote in a foreign election."

To Dobb's credit he only allowed 50 minutes of air time to the segment and signed off with: "I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' babies!"

Swiss Banker Receives Blowjob at Geneva Conference

In a characteristically neutral pose, Swiss finance minister and president, Hans-Rudolf Fredundethelmerz, shows no emotion after receiving simultaneous blowjobs by two Swiss

Geschlechtweiblichzungekehle girls (or Kelly girls for short). The women, who perform this service as a patriotic duty, work for trinkgeld (tips) and the occasional foreign service post.

Apparently Minister Fredundethelmerz was more than neutral as autopsy reports later concluded: "Er starb mit einem Lächeln auf seinen Gesichts- und listickflecken auf seinen Hosen."

Real Reason Whole Foods is Downsizing

Exclusive to The Daily Brewhaha

John Mackey, ex-CEO of Whole Foods (see previous post) and now Anonymous-Blogger-in-Residence for his new dating site, Pot Belly Pig Fecal Emporium, has admitted to this reporter the reason he recently offered the company for sale on the "women seek women" portion of craigslist.

In an unusual moment of candor for the "Jolly Green Giant" (his tag on popular underage bulletin boards) Mr. Mackey said "I was constantly being hacked by gay Eastern Europeans with an obvious agenda," producing a receipt from one of his stores.

Mr. Mackey, wearing a hat made of tin foil and dressed only in a Hugh Hefner silk pajama top, broke down and wept when he realized that his life's work was now the property of Mathilda "Mac" MacKenzie, an unemployed concrete mixer from Des Moines Iowa.

Ms. MacKenzie, when reached by phone, said she was planning to change the orientation of the store to cater to lesbians only. "What do you think of the name "Hole Foods?" she asked.

Whole Foods to Downsize in Tough Market

John Mackey, the CEO of the Austin, Texas based foods grocer Whole Foods, has decided to consolidate the over 300 worldwide locations it operates in the United States, Canada, and the United Kingdom into a single ice cream stand.

Pictured here with his bi-sexual Pilates instructor and National Sales Director, Gwynneth Flush, Mr. Mackey has decided to sell the company on craigslist and donate all proceeds to the International Federation of Uniformed Crossing Guards, headquartered in an undisclosed Quonset hut in East Malaysia.

This was a major surprise to both the company's Board of Directors and Wall Streeters, who immediately recommended shifting portfolios of the stock from Buy to Hold.

When asked why he chose this unorthodox strategy for his company, Mr. Mackey was circumspect: "Gwynneth and I decided that the company needed to be structured around the principles advocated by Joseph Pilates, especially around thinking of the lungs as a bellows." Huckseed Flax et fils, a major Belgian shareholder, is in the process of having Mr. Mackey committed to the nearest green-friendly insane asylum.

Iranian Supreme Leader Declares for World Games

Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, only the second Supreme Leader of the Revolution in modern Iranian history, has decided to enter the 2010 World Pole Vaulting championships to be held in Las Vegas Nevada. Due to his extreme religious beliefs, tournament organizers were trying to arrange for the mass deportation and rendition of local sex workers to friendly Arab states during the popular event.

The Ayatollah prefers to pole vault enshrouded in a modified burqa (pictured at right) and a pair of Twelve Imāms urine-dipped Nike Air Jordans. According to an anonymous source who was not authorized to speak in accordance with hadith (and under threat of being stoned to death caused by coerced confession and corroborating testimony of four male eyewitnesses) Ayatollah Khamenei has been practicing in secret for the past few months and has landed on his purdah more than once.

The pictures shows a reflective Ayatollah preparing for his third attempt at 1 meter (3 feet). This reporter can only say Alhamdulillah, Ayatollah and Yarhamukallah.

Town Hall Faux Pas?

Laguna Honda Carmichael III, a gun-rights advocate, showed up at the recent Presidential Health Care Town Hall, held in Phoenix Arizona, in full AR-15 semi-automatic rifle regalia with matching armor piercing ordinance. Mr Carmichael told the press he was exercising his constitutional right to bear arms and protest, stating he "didn't need no stinking permits since it's my 2nd amendment right to pack heat."

A spokesman for the Phoenix police said the 300 or so gun-toting protesters at Monday's event, including the man lugging a WWII era 105mm T8 anti-tank gun were just "well behaved citizens with no particular grudge against that Hitler socialist occupying our nation's capitol."

It's not as if the police were not doing their job. The man who left his GBU-28 laser-guided Super Penetrator bunker buster outside the ladies Port-A-Potty next to the Taco Bell was given a fix-it warning because his telescopic sight was out of focus.

Congressman Genetically Linked to Peacock

Republican Representative Price, watching a female assistant cross the floor of the House

Georgia Republican Tom Price, the chairman of the House Republican Study Committee and a medical doctor, was just informed on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives that he would be denied access to all Republican caucuses because genetic tests had shown him not to be of human descent. This was seen as a blow to Price, a leading critic of Democratic efforts to pass a health care reform bill, since his criticisms might carry less weight coming from a bird.

In a conference call with reporters, House Minority Whip Eric Cantor (R-Va) said: "It was a good goddamn waste of time every time he showed up for a meeting. The guy was always preening and blow drying his hair. I always thought he wasn't one of us."

Woman Makes Fortune Selling Used Popcorn

Ms Yayanutella makes a sale

In a case of making lemonade out of lemons, Arugala Yayanutella has spent the last 25 years picking kernels of used buttered popcorn from between the seats at Bollywood movie theaters in downtown Mumbai and re-selling them at farmer's markets as an "organic" erectile dysfunction cure.

"Most of my customers are doctors, lawyers and even some judges and MPs," she proclaimed to the Mumbai Mumble, a daily cinema trade publication used by aspiring actors during the region's toilet paper shortage crisis. "I charge them 5000 rupees for each piece. I tell them to place two kernels under their tongue while sitting under a sacred fig tree until a wise man kicks them in the groin. I have never had a repeat customer," she boasted.

To this reporter's surprise, Ms Yayanutella is 3rd on the Forbes list of Richest Unwashed Persons.

Gov. Mark Sanford's Wife Takes Interspecies Lover

Jenny Sanford, the estranged wife of disgraced South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, has decided to marry a polar bear. Seeming to prefer four legs to two, Ms Sanford has never appeared happier to this reporter. In a candid photo I took just outside the gates of the Charlotte SC Animal Rescue and Fireworks Emporium, her new beau was caught peeking up her skirt, an oft noted polar bear mating ritual.

"Not only does he NOT know how to use email, he couldn't find South America on a map if I had it tatooed on a baby seal's butt!" she exclaimed. "I feel like a catholic school girl all over again," cooed Ms Sanford.

Iranian President Addresses Major Rally

Nelwy re-elected Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, rightmost in photo, recently greeted a throng of well-wishers (estimated by officials to be "well north of 15 people") from his modestly appointed presidential balcony.

Seen here, next to Finance Minister, Ali "Two Fingers" Jani Qumlately and the President's half-witted nephew Anoush GivArash, Mr. Ahmadinejad implored the unruly crowd to beat themselves silly with rubber truncheons and dress up in Zionist clown costumes to celebrate his landslide victory.

In a supporting gesture, Mr GivArash soiled himself in support of his uncle's tirade, spoiling the lunches of many in the noontime crowd below.

Guinness Record Set for Simultaneous Tooth Extractions

Dentists with government "job" applicants

Dentists from the NGO "Gums for Tots" have just broken the world record for most tooth extractions in a 60 minute period. The event, held in the wretchedly poor Guatamalan departamentos of Sacatepéquezpezdispenser, was closely monitored by a crack team of Guinness record judges from the Lower Seychelles.

The group assured a large turnout by luring residents from their homes with promises of free government jobs inspecting small mirrors and dental drills once they agreed to participate in a "practice session" to determine if they were qualified for the non-paying, but highly prestigious positions. After signing "hold harmless" waivers, about 450 villagers had more than 4,500 teeth extracted within a one hour period. Most residents, who were toothless even before the event, complained of nothing stronger than casual hypothermia and PTSD-like flashbacks after they were administered massive amounts of laughing gas by volunteer dental hygienists from a local veterinary clinic.

Once the potential record has gone through a rigorous quality assurance check at the Guinness home office, each participating villager will be given photos of their removed teeth and an opportunity to buy a tin begging cup with the inscription "World's Worst Looking Lay" in brightly colored lettering.

Danish Ambassador's Coming Out Party

In an unlikely announcement, even for the sexually liberated Northern Europeans, the Danish Ambassador to the Tongan Islands, Lars Mortensen (pictured at right) announced he was eloping with his long term live-in, Reb Judah Flanksteakenstein (on the Ambassador's arm in photo).

Both men appeared to be deliriously happy and asked for a traditional Danish wedding where they will trade slabs of whitefish, stale cheese and whale meat under a traditional Jewish wedding canopy.

Shlomo O'Herlihy (second from left in photo), Reb Judah's son from a previous marriage to the 2nd runner-up in an aboriginal beauty queen contest, was seen pleading with his father prior to the ceremony to consider dyeing his beard a bright orange and stripping to the waist as a show of respect for his new lover. Danish PM, Anders Fogh Rasmussen, toasted the couple at a strip club in downtown Copenhagen while an all-male nude tuba band played the Israeli national anthem in the background.

Mummy Unhearthed in Massachusetts

A field team of British Museum Egyptologists on holiday in Nantucket uncovered what has been initially dubbed a "major find" by Chief Archaeologist Sir Basil Tomboy-Smythe. In a statement to the press, Sir Basil explained that:

The body appears to be in remarkable shape, considering its apparent extreme age and the fact that its brain was removed by carefully inserting special hooked instruments up through the nostrils in order to pull out bits of gossip and indications of Swiss bank safety deposit box numbers. It was a delicate operation, one which could easily change the shape of the face, and in this case it appears to have permanently disfigured the poor woman. The result was a very dried-out and almost recognizable human form.

As the field team was preparing to stuff the mummy into a Toyota Prius for transport to the closest convenience store for packing in dry ice, federal marshals arrived and tasered Sir Tomboy-Smythe, beat him with rubber hoses and called him "Fancy Pants Boy." Apparently, and unbeknownst to him, Sir Basil was trespassing at a funeral taking place at the Kennedy Compound in Hyannisport. British Museum officials were said to be furious that MI6 agents also took part in the name-calling.

Obama to Chair Death Panels - Strangles Paraplegic

President Obama presiding over the first public garroting of an elderly cripple

In a totally unorthodox political tactic in order to jump-start his ailing health care reform plan, President Barack Obama offered to serve as both Director and Executioner-in-Chief of the new Health Plan Death Panels. Pilloried at a series of Town Hall session with irate and uninformed citizens, President Obama was clearly ready to take matters into his own hands.

"If Nancy Pelosi doesn't have the cajones to belly up to this bar, then all I can say is 'Yes I can,'" the President remarked on an an unscheduled visit to Bill O'Reilly's Factor show on Fox.

O'Reilly, initially taken aback, was pleased with the "no spin" slant on the President's plan. Later that same day, he filed a complaint of sexual harassment against the President, contending that President Obama had made sexually explicit phone calls while on the show, including a "vile and degrading monologue about sex and offensively touching me throughout the interview."

Knee-deep in blood, White House spokesman Robert Gibbs told this reporter he would get back to him after he had finished culling through the Medicare roster for seniors with mild hearing disabilities.

World Piggyback Championships Start

The much awaited World Piggyback Games,

last televised in 1989, began outside the city of Bandar Seri Begawan yesterday with much fanfare and an eight gun salute from Borneo's part-time Volunteer Death Squad.

International Piggyback Federation (IPF) chair, Paduka Maulana Mahasari Sharif Sultan Hashem Abu Bakr Bin Wellhung was ecstatic as he reviewed the opening ceremonies attended by the breakaway republics of South Ossetia and Wajiristan as they joined the only other country participating in the event: the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg.

For no apparent reason, the much heralded event traditionally occurs every 1 K'atun (or 19.7 years on the Mayan Long Calendar) and is ideally timed with the arrival of a ravaging monsoon. "This keeps the unfortunate contestants on their best game," Mr. Wellhung told this reporter.

Pictured above is a special handicap event featuring the transfer of the person being carried (or backi-packi in the vernacular of the sport) to an undisclosed military psychiatric hospital where his family can then begin the scavenger hunt for clues as to his location. The time to beat for this event, and a world record time at that, is a remarkable 38.66 years.

Hillary Clinton to Star with Morgan Freeman in New Religious Satire

U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (seen here at right yukking it up with screen star Morgan Freeman) has agreed to star in a new mocumentary biopic of Muhammad the Prophet. With a working title of Hajj you Doin'?, the vehicle is seen as a kickoff for a 40 city Middle Eastern tour planned by the Secretary next summer to promote good will and to aggressively organize a fatwa to be put out on her husband.

Considered by the world's Muslims as the prophet of Allah, Muhammad will be played by Mr. Freeman in his old age and by the rapper Lil Wayne in his youth. The crux of the story takes Muhammad from thrush-throated carnival barker in his youth to custodial engineer at the lesser known, and much maligned, Medina Apartment Housing complex - all the way to his ultimate career as part-time bicycle Messenger of God.

Mrs. Clinton has agreed to narrate the entire pseudo-documentary using a voice that has been best described as a blend of Minnie Mouse and the recently deceased Bea Arthur. To that end, Secretary Clinton is taking voice coaching lessons from Harvey Fierstein to perfect her role.

Well done Madame Secretary!

New Duck Genus Discovered

Notes from the famed ornithologist, C. Lyle Swallow, indicate the discovery of a species of duck previously unknown to modern science. Reached at his combination research center and floating lemonade stand deep in the Amazon River Basin village of Bumphuquen Mosquitos, Dr. Swallow filmed the fascinating tuft headed creature for over 350 hours as it swam in circles for the entire time.

"I was amazed at its insistence on circumnavigating a patch of water no more than 5 feet in diagonal. I ran out of battery power after 350 hours and it was still going like a whirling dervish. I think it only stopped once to mate and have a cigarette."

US Troops Get Early Start to Halloween in Mosul

Pfc Francis Mule knocks on door of local resident in a surprise Trick or Treat Exercise

In an unexpected announcement by the U.S. military and timed to the release of the new Rob Zombie motion picture Halloween 2, US Marine spokesperson Heidi "Butch" Clapper announced that all infantry troops serving in Iraq would be outfitted with Michael Myers masks.

"We thought it would be a great idea," Chicken Colonel Clapper offered. "Initial focus groups we've had with Iraqi insurgents were quite enthusiastic. As you know, they have always longed to associate themselves with Hollywood and all things Western. Not too mention the buzz we are hearing from troops in the field."

To bear that out, this reporter interviewed Pfc Francis Mule, a four tour Iraqi terrorist interrogator/interior design specialist, who thinks it is a great troop morale booster:

I can't wait to begin my day in costume. There's nothing more satisfying than going trick or treating door to door in my Judy Garland pumps and Katherine Hepburn pleated gabardine pants, and garroting some hapless piece of terrorist shit while whistling "Oh What a Beautiful Morning." You know it's the opening song from the musical Oklahoma! by composer Richard Rodgers and lyricist/librettist Oscar Hammerstein II.

Susan Boyle Harrassed in Own Home

Larry King producers making Susan Boyle's life miserable in her own kitchen

The 2009 Britain's Got Talent singing sensation Susan Boyle has not known a moment of calm since her notorious audition on the popular British show. Because of her homely looks and frumpy appearance, her voice threw people for such a loop that her small Scottish home in Kilts-Up-Your-Canoodle-Boodle was deluged by the world media.

Pictured above, Ms Boyle cannot even prepare a simple dish of Haggis without a gaggle of production crew pulling on her skirt strings and compression stockings. (As a favor to this blog, Ms Boyle's has shared her favorite recipe for that special dish.)

First, I go to old Dubhthach Wilberforce's butcher shop and gut a sheep. I take the heart, liver and lungs and place it in a brown garbage bag filled with minced onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, and salt. I mix the entire affair by placing it in my girdle and jump on a trampoline for 5 hours. Afterwards all I do is boil what's left in the animal's stomach for approximately three hours. Serves 27.

Cult Leader Relaxes at Utah Retreat

Cult leader Felix Ogundlicz, pictured at right, takes time off from evading Animal Protective Services to relax with a couple of his newest "bitches."

The cult, which bills itself as the largest Man-Dog-Love non-profit in the continental United States, is aggressively pursuing national legislation legalizing inter-species marriage. In a written statement (Mr. Ogundlicz had his vocal cords removed last year as a result of an unfortunate 10 man bobsled accident) the cult leader noted:

"Man wuz ment to spred his sede with all Godz creetures." This reporter can only wish him a speedy recovery from whatever bizarre disease is affecting his powers of rational thought.

Gonzaga Mascot Sex Tape Shows Bad Behavior

Spike, the Gonzaga mascot, caught performing a lewd act on an unsuspecting Zag cheerleader

In a remarkable turn of events, the mascot for the nationally ranked Gonzaga bulldogs basketball team has been charged with lewd and unbecoming conduct by the Spokane Washington Bureau of Animal Control. An unauthorized sex tape that had reportedly been circulating on campus for some weeks eventually made its way to YouTube, where interim University President Mortimer Flumoxx watched it over 2,000 times before calling authorities.

"At first I couldn't believe my eyes," President Flumoxx choked in a controlled sob, "so I called my secretary in and we watched it together for hours. We were both spent by the time it was over."

Animal Control Officer Peneleope Pan Demic placed the cuffs on the embarrassed bulldog in front of a large crowd of drunken academes during the nationally televised College Beer Pong Championships. Spike goes before Judge Timothy Spayed next Tuesday. All bets are off on the outcome of that appeal.

Freak Sandstorm Hits Webster Hall Club

Webster Hall, the well known club @ 11th Street between 3rd & 4th Aves, was the scene of a hellish stand storm last night. Dancers were literally swept off their feet by the powerful winds that swirled through the Reggae/Hip Hop, Disco/Top 40, and House/Techno/Trance dance floors.

A spokesman for the club said "this was way more blow than we normally have on a holiday weekend." Custodial staff were still assessing whether any of the shoes left behind could be sold on Craigslist for a solid profit or donated to the local Teen Sluts on Broadway Charity Auction.

Siamese Jews Separated

Chaim and Menashe Finklefarb in a pre-op photo, pretending to be Mother Teresa

In a ground breaking operation, doctors at Our Lady of the Immaculate Conundrum Petting Zoo and Day Spa performed a 14 hour procedure to remove two orthodox Jews who had been co-joined at the wallet since birth. Chaim and Menashe Finklefarb had been living hand to mouth for the past 25 years, relying on the kindness of religious zealots in their tiny village of Rio Shtetl-on-the-Hudson until they were dicovered by a group of visiting Chechnyan opthamologists.

Known as "those meshugennah kupps" in the small orthodox community, the brothers would often put on religious morality plays in the nude while singing original gospel songs inspired by the teachings of Muammar Qadafi and Mother Teresa. Oddly enough, just before they went under the knife, they were signed by Roc-A-Fella Records to perform with Jigga himself, Kanye West and Memphis Bleek at the upcoming Kikes, Bikes and Dykes festival.

In a joint press conference held just days after the operation, both brothers thanked their doctors, the Rabbi of the local temple Kiryat Handjob, and "Jesus our Lord and Savior."

Wolverine Actor Upset at New Do

Hugh Jackman was completely beside himself when he saw what Paramount Pictures hair stylist, Mr. Jocko, did in preparation for the new XMEN movie: XMEN - the Final Solution to Britain's Got Talent.

In a string of expletives not appropriate for this blog, the actor went into the unsavory lineage of Mr. Jocko to a degree not chronicled since early Shakespearean times. Studio exec, Penelope Goodfeather, strove to paper over the dispute by telling this reporter:

"Hugh is a little high strung since we told him that the new film calls for his character to acquire a full-blown case of Tourette's while wearing slit cocktail dresses and matching pearls for a majority of the movie. We continue to have the utmost confidence in both Messieurs Jocko and Jackman as they each pursue uniquely bizarre visions of their crafts."

NY Philharmonic Members Forced to Practice at Home

Barney Skench, NY Philharmonic First Tubaist , conducts a midnight practice session in his studio apartment while his wife looks on

The New York Philharmonic, beset by the same budget problems as many of the city's premier cultural organizations, has lost its lease at Lincoln Center. In a creative and highly unusual solution, Concertmeister Franz-Willhelm Heidi Arausskraut has demanded that each of the orchestra's 82 musicians prepare for the upcoming Summer of Mozart Festival by practicing separately in their own residences while connecting with each other via webcam and a 56K baud modem.

With the loss of Lincoln center as a venue, the new site has been announced as the After School Program Office of the Horace Mann School for the Curmudgeonly and Inflamed on 188th street and Columbus Avenue. Although the school was shuttered at the end of June because of the Swine Flu epidemic, the After School program has been fumigated and has been deemed germ free by the city's Board of Janitorial Excellence.

Veteran Raises Awareness of Animal Cruelty

In homage to the recent release of NFL quarterback Michael Vick, an 89 year old special ops veteran of the 1978 Uganda-Tanzania War of annexation is trekking across the United states with his dead dog Starlet, collecting donations along the way.

Mr. Oswald Puigh was emotionally overcome by the pictures of the animals Mr. Vick had used in his illicit dog fighting operation that he ran in his home state of Georgia. Mr. Puigh wanted to embark on a nationwide walk-a-thon to take advantage of a "learning moment." When this reporter asked him what message he was specifically trying to convey, Mr. Puigh, coughing up blood from his ordeal, stated:

"I want people to realize that we are all God's creatures," he sobbed while dry shaving his Angora cat Blarney in a vat of turpentine.

To date, Mr. Puigh has raised thirty five (35) cents over the initial ten days & thirty miles. The money was kindly donated by a homeless person whom Mr Puigh mugged outside a Wendy's dumpster.

Michael Vick Eyes Dick Cheney as Potential Running Mate

The next big thing for Michael Vick, former disgraced NFL quarterback who recently served time for running a dog fighting operation, will be teaming up with former USVP Dick Cheney in a "No Apologies" tour.

According to reliable sources, the two have been corresponding for months on a prison bulletin board called Cream in my Coffee. What initially drew Vick to correspond with the former VP was Cheney's handle: "FuckY'all."

"It spoke to me," sobbed Vick in a momentary emotional breakdown while attending an impromptu David Vitter/John Ensign book signing event.

Based on a reading of the bulletin board transcripts, the two have decided to remake their tarnished images by establishing a series of Town Hall meetings on the subject of nuclear proliferation and its effect on the travel vouchers of love-smitten Governor Mark Sanford. The series of barnstorms will culminate in a poltical announcement at the 3rd Annual Massa Weezy's All God's Chillun Gots Chitlin Festival to be held in Pederast Junction Tennessee on Labor Day.

Ultra-Orthodox Conga Line forms Spontaneously

As a result of a spontaneous Tweet by a disaffected rabbinical student in Tzumisht New York, a rag tag band of over 1500 orthodox rabbis and FBI informants formed a massive conga line, dancing to an obscure tune by Afrikaa Bambaataa's Universal Zulu Nation.

Traffic in the metropolitan areas was not affected as it was sabbath eve and the only vehicular movement was a disabled oxcart and a brightly colored clown on a unicycle.

Sara Palin Discloses Why Johnny Can't Read

A crosswalk in front of former Alaska Governor Sara Palin's residence is symptomatic of the general state of education in this country - Johnny can't read because state budget crises have forced local officials to use cheap imitation stencils from the Federal Department of Transportation.

"It's the liberal media that's behind all this," Ms Palin shrieked at her final news conference. "If it wasn't for all those Hollywood radicals who our brave troops have died for in Pakistan, we would be somewhere else now by now or not."

In an awkward development, Alaska State law enforcement officers had to use the jaws of life to remove Todd Palin, the former Governor's husband, from her leg during the press conference.

In Politics: Afghan President Campaigns Like It's 1984

Hamid Karzai in his new US donated Afghans In Motion (AIM) campaign wagon

In the upcoming Afghan national elections, President Hamid Karzai is taking a page right out of the last two John McCain presidential runs - using a campaign bus modeled after the senator's Straight Talk Express. He calls it Afghans in Motion, or AIM.

Funded by donations from well meaning goat herders and the odd poppy field day laborer, the vehicle was outfitted as both a tour bus and a Roto-Rooter dispatch truck. President Karzai felt that his latest campaign theme of "Cleaning up the shit in Kabul Before it All Runs Downhill" was a winning one, and personally supervised the artwork on the unusual political transport. In a related event, local Taliban fighters were attempting to get their own campaign truck operational before the fall elections but were having trouble keeping suicide bombers from exploding as soon as they turned on the ignition.

Cult Sells Baby Jesus Dolls for Charity

For Sale: one carton of Baby Jesus

A little known cult from San Dimas California, The Little Cisterns of Mercy Me, has started a charity drive to give back to their adopted community. The group, best known for its unique practice of howling at the setting sun for hours on end, supports itself by participating in technology focus groups and selling 'Baby Jesus' dolls made from shoelaces and discarded placentas.

"We wanted to express our appreciation and gratitude to all those who have piled excrement on our lawn ever since we arrived last week," said Sister Mary Mary Tylermore.

In reality, a sizable judgment handed down by the San Dimas City Magistrate when the cult's leader gutted a moose at the local DMV office, appears to have been the impetus for the sudden benevolence. The sect had been protesting the enforcement of alternate-side-of-the-sheikh parking regulations at their compound in the Blind Maggot Trailer Park and Casino National Wetlands, when things got a little out of hand.

Lifestyle: When Pigeons Attack

(Dateline Lima, Peru)

In an unexplained incident, a group of Peruvian schoolchildren were attacked by a flock of pigeons while waiting for their headmistress to finish urinating in the school's ceremonial carp pond. The birds swooped in without warning while the children were singing "I am your Spaniel" from Act I of the English opera, A Midsummer Night's Dream by Benjamin Britten.

In a related occurrence, 5th grade class president Hortensia Beluga, shat her pants when the birds attacked, and was remanded to local authorities for etiquette lessons and decontamination.

City officials were at a loss to explain why the headmistress chose the carp pond to relieve herself versus her normal site, the school cafeteria express checkout stand.

Taliban to Get New Uniforms

Abu Dabi bin Islandhop models the "new look" Taliban uniform

In an effort to get more positive press, senior Taliban mullahs have ordered a re-design of the baggy pants fighting uniform their weekend warriors have popularized in heavy skirmish photo-ops. Helge Betelgeusse, a noted Swedish fashion designer and this year's "Coming Out Princess" on the Royal Caribbeans Cruise to Hackensack, has been commissioned to provide a new look for these mangy mujahadeen. After 6 exhaustive and exciting months taking fittings, especially in the seat and crotch areas, Mr Betelgeusse has produced what some admirers consider his best work (see photo above).

"I tried to achieve a mix of nonchalant insouciance with a more formal, evening wear didactic," purred the winner of 1977's Betty Crocker Buttermilk Pancake Griddle Off. "Nothing says carved scrotal sac stuffed in the mouths of heathen infidels than a bespoke red uniform with Easter Parade hat."

Giant Rat Washed up in SF

San Francisco natives were shocked and dismayed when they woke up this morning to discover a giant rodent floating right outside the city's Fisherman's Wharf tourist area.

"It's bad enough we have the homeless accosting our visitors, now we have this giant rat we have to deal with," bemoaned Mayor Gavin Newsom.

It is not clear how the rat got there, but local pet shop owner Latitia Moog has been missing for three days. Newly disgraced San Francisco transsexual Police Commisioner Bobbi Scroggins, has told the press that (s)he has a hunch that there may be some clues in Ms Moog's pet boutique, The Giant Rat.

Swine Flu Aftermath - Zorro's Identity Revealed

In an unexpected outcome of the Mexican Swine flu pandemic, Zorro's true identity was revealed when he was forced to wear his mask over his mouth versus his eyes.

Don Diego de la Vega, aka Zorro, was pissed to no end when Sergeant Garcia stopped him at a local DUI checkpoint and arrested him for outstanding warrants. When brought before Magistrate Carlos "Two Ton Tomas" Galindo, Don Diego pleaded the rare combination of insanity and identity theft.

The case was summarily dismissed when the judge realized that the Sergeant was sucking on a bouquet of Chihuahuan peyote plants during the proceedings.

Arlen Specter Announces "Trifecta" Switch to Gay Lifestyle

Arlen Specter and his mom, Edith Ann, meet the press

In a stunning move, Senator Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania, Phil Spector's half-brother and an unindicted co-conspirator in Mr. Spector's recent murder trial, announced that not only was he switching parties but that he was also switching sexual preference. He formally announced that he was applying for residency in Iowa and that he had switched his allegiance from his just announced Democratic Party to the Pansexual Peace Party. Senator Specter held his mother's hand throughout the entire press conference and said that if it weren't for her constant cajoling and cooing, he would never have made the transition.

When asked to comment on his sudden second move within an hour of his first announcement to leave the Republican Party, Senator Specter would only say "My package always seemed too big for either the Republican or Democratic tents."

Michael Steele, Republican National Committee Chair, was in Dar es Salaam serving as a celebrity judge for a topless combination reggae/limbo regional championship and unavailable for comment.

Iowa Gay Couple Want to Adopt Plant

Pushing the envelope, a newly married Iowan same-sex couple, Buford and Cornelius Howard-Johnson, have applied to adopt a houseplant (center of photo).

The happy couple said they had no female friends who would be willing to serve as surrogates. In fact, they had no female friends or acquaintances at all since they hung out in bath houses 98% of the time trolling for easy marks and drugs.

"We figured adopting would be the easiest way to go. And we've had this here geranium for so long we've become attached to it," offered Buford in a drunken slur.

State officials were not sure how to proceed and were consulting with a local botanist and part-time lawn bowling memorabilia collector to understand the social implications of the proposed adoption. "Bottom line is we want to know how it would affect the buds," said State Senator Warren Peese.

Source of Swine Flu Discovered

Mexican health authorities announced that a migrant used vacuum cleaner salesman who kept mutant pigs in his cellar for sale to exotic pet collectors was the source of the current swine flu pandemic.

Manuel "El pollo loco" Cruz Mendoza de Tocador Asqueroso raises a rare breed of furry swine that have become all the rage with disgraced Wall Street bankers now occupying their grand estates in Bimini and the Outer Hebrides. Mr. de Asqueroso did not realize that these exotic pets were having unprotected sex with the rare Szechuan black chickenhawks he keeps in the pre-school he runs out of his basement, with the unexpected product of their unholy union being the current swine flu virus.

Mexican authorities have now quarantined both Mr. de Asquroso and his pigs at the Mexico City Grand Hyatt where they will be staying until further notice. The chickenhawks have been distributed to local residents for resale at farmers markets across the Yucatan.

Science: New Study Links Sweets to Higher IQs

Mensa members Waldine Plugg & Thomasina Klemp prepare to study for the LSATs

The results of a highly controversial clinical trial just published in this month's Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) showed a direct and high correlation between great intelligence and the ingestion of junk candy. Doctor J Beresford Tipton, of the Institute of Fructose Intolerance, reported on the exhaustive 7 year study:

It seems that the more we shtupped these test subjects with Mars Bars and candied yams, the better they did on intelligence tests. Granted, we used overweight, single Jewish women from large cities in the northeast as test subjects; however the results were astonishing in that scores on the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale increased by by 50% in 2 weeks (see dietary list below).

Post Shtupp Photo

Male test subject after 2 weeks - bigger AND smarter

Over the 2 week period, and in a controlled environment, subjects were fed:

134 pounds of refined sugar excluding honey
365 servings of soda pop (638 cans per year for people aged 12-29)
200 sticks of gum
22 pounds of candy
63 dozen doughnuts
60 pounds of cakes and cookies
23 gallons of ice cream

IQs were increased from an average of 112 to 170 in that time period.

According to the vast majority of trial particpants, the benefits far outweighed the slightly negative impacts of bearing children with Type 2 diabetes and contracting a gamut of trivial side effects including heart disease, stroke, blindness, amputations, kidney disease, neuropathy, central obesity, and Dyslipidemia.

Deluxe Cruise Ship Gets Big Sendoff

First Officer on the Panamanian cruise ship Lead Platypus prepares to leave port

The owners of the newly built cruise ship, the Lead Platypus out of Nutley New Jersey, just announced the inaugural sailing date as the very patriotic 4th of July, 2009. In large banner headlines on its website, the Bilgepump Group hailed its new vessel as a state-of-the-art floating garbage skow with entertainment and a steady supply of high quality pharmaceuticals.

Education is a core focus of the first cruise, with the Bilgepump Group's long established and renowned guest speaker program on tap. Included in the maiden voyage are some of the country's most celebrated female impersonators relating their disturbingly bizarre views on contemporary issues as well as the only Spanish-speaking ventriloquists that can mime solutions to random quadratic equations while swimming alongside the ship in piranha infested waters.

Days at sea are spent foraging for anything edible, while open seating dining means you can ponder the ancient mysteries of why anyone would spend $50,000 for a stateroom on a boat the size of a small studio apartment. Other daytime options include horsewhipping, attending the many writing and singing of lewd limericks workshops, joining a recreational drug class, or losing yourself in that good book you find while browsing the captain's extensive pornography collection he keeps in his stained bedding chest.

Evening activities include cannibalism, classical kazoo concerts, after dinner nude walks in villages governed by Sharia law, plus the occasional surprise beheading classes given by Islamic Jihaddists ashore.

Bon Voyage to the lucky travelers, and welcome aboard!

Music Vibes: Pussycat Dolls Announce New Lead Singer

The Pussycat Dolls, the American pop girl group and dance ensemble, just announced that Xena Wampuss (picture right) will replace their lead singer Nicole Scherzinger.

Before joining the group, Ms Wampuss was both the 2nd guitarist for The Rock Cats, and the household pet of Adelle Cockburn, a retired car bomb wiring instructor from Bayside Queens. The Rock Cats were a niche group noted for playing cockfights, Columbian drug cartel fiestas and the odd bat mitzva.

Attempts to reach the group's publicist were unsuccessful as it appears she was in a crack inspired haze at the time of this report.

Kate Winslett Ages for Titanic II

In a response to complaints by fans that her flaccid skin, loose wrinkles and pallid demeanor spoiled her movie with Brad Pitt, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," Kate Winslett has decided to perfect the aging process to play a more mature Rose DeWitt Bukaters in 'Titanic II - She's Back!'

In an industry shattering decision, Kate Winslett (in photo) decided to forgo the use of prosthetics for the role and instead opted for radical plastic surgery. "I love what it does for my self-image," the Academy award winning actress told US magazine. "I finally feel like I have the body of a 34 year old inside the body of a 99 year old. Simply smashing!"

The movie's premise has the Winslett character surviving the tragic loss of her ill-fated lover Jack Dawson and thriving as a madam at a Brooklyn whorehouse called "The Salty Seamen." The film is currently in post-production and will be released sometime in "the next millennium or when hell freezes over" according to her husband, director Sam Mendes.

Japanese Whaler Mistakes Oprah for Large Fish

Oprah Winfrey (left) and producer Latesha Jangles consult on Oprah's new diet book

TV personality Oprah Winfrey was attacked on a Chicago park bench this weekend by a visiting Japanese whaler, Hiro Yamatoto. The unprovoked attack almost set off an international incident. In defense of his actions Mr. Yamatoto stated: "I thought was beached sperm whale or maybe giant bluefin tuna. I rush over and try spear it but large black man beat me in back of head. I go back Osaka tell countrymen we need fish these waters."

As it turns out, Ms Winfrey was discussing the publication of her new diet book, "How to Lose Two Tons the Hard Way," with her publicist and executive producer Latesha (Sugarbuns) Jangles. She was unharmed in the melee and attributes the layers of fat she accumulates during the winter months as "natural protection" from predators.

First of its Kind Saudi Beauty Contest to Air on Fox

Saudi Arabian swimsuit contestants pose for Miss Congeniality picture.

According to a Fox executives, the network has announced a groundbreaking series featuring some of the loveliest hotties this side of Mecca. The current working title for the show is T&A Riyadh.

Royal Saud family spokesman Sheikh Ibn So Bust'd characterizes the series as a first attempt by the royal family to compete on an equal footing with al Qaeda for the allegiance of the dessert kingdom's disaffected youth.

In response to a question from the Western press on how the government would reconcile its strict religious views with the broadcast of head to toe burqa clad women striking wantonly lewd poses, the Sheikh replied "Wait till you see what we do to the losers. This will be no picnic let me tell you."

Iranian Leader Visits Tiny South Wales Snooker Tournament

The incredibly bored and drunk patrons at the Snot and Larvae Snooker and Water Polo emporium, got an unexpected visit from a well known head of state while waiting their turn at a tournament in Lillishite-on-Humperdink in the Welsh town of Tonypandy on the river Llanfairfechan.

The little known tournament, pairing the least qualified contestants from just down the road in county Clwyd, was on the European itinerary of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The Iranian leader, who had ducked out of the United Nations conference on Racism in Geneva to "spend some quality time rubbing elbows with other Zionist Jew haters," was met with total indifference by the largely inebriated crowd.

When the confused head of state asked to throw out the first pitch, Snot and Larvae proprietor Myfanwy Amerawdwr clubbed the stunned president with a copy of masonry bound editions of The Gododdin and The Lament for Cynddylan - two tomes weighing over 14 stones apiece.

Santa Waterboarded 266 Times According to CIA Memo

In the latest newly released CIA memo, it was disclosed that Santa Claus (seen in police sketch at right) had been waterboarded 266 times. The extreme measures were apparently ordered by Vice President Dick Cheney in an attempt to force the jolly gift giver to reveal the names on his 'whose been naughty or nice' list.

The memo makes it abundantly clear that this was in retribution for what the former VP felt was an egregious oversight by the "Fat Man." It seems that Mr. Cheney took it personally when he learned that he would not be getting the head of Osama bin Laden on a plate for the holiday season.