In a tradition breaking ceremony, the first known African Americans were inducted into the Ku Klux Klan by Imperial Wizard Hiram Weasle IV.
(New facilities for B of A, JP Morgan/Chase and Citibank CEO's)We strongly believe that placing these CEO's in the midst of Al Qaeda's most vicious terrorists will be way more effective in breaking the radical Islamists than waterboarding.
In a bold and imaginative move, President Barack Obama has named an Ike and Tina Turner impressionist Las Vegas lounge act as ambassadors to the little known European Duchy of Funkytown. Located on the wrong side of the tracks near the Principality of the Valleys of Andorra, Funkytown is known for it's "miracle kilometer" of battered women's shelters and 1960's poodle skirt salons.
Rick Wagoner adds to his medals countIn a surprise move, President Barack Obama awarded the nation's highest medal to departing General Motors CEO, Rick Wagoner. In a brief statement read by Libby Highdicky, a previously unknown prep school lacrosse recruiter whose relationship to the White House was unclear at press time, the President stated:
In awarding this Medal of Freedom to Rick Wagoner, I can think of no greater service to this nation than a man who has serviced an entire industry until everyone involved has spent an ungodly amount of time bent at the middle grabbing their ankles.
President Obama also bestowed the honorary title of "Asshole of the Millennium" on the departing chief executive who could be seen shuffling cards at a Three-card Monte/Follow the Lady stand throughout the President's remarks.
Philomena Pumice had complained of an irritation in her eye since she was two years old. With the mild irritation unabated until her mid-40's Ms. Pumice finally sought the help of famous eye surgeon and part-time border patrol guard, Mickey Hangjusty.
The 2009 World Homeless Games, held
People magazine has just named Gombuba Praharanapahalililila, a homeless untouchable swami living in the slums of Uttar Pradesh, as the world's most eligible bachelor. People magazine's Managing Editor, Rosie Shapiro-Coxwail, attempted to explain the unusual selection by flipping her wavy black hair in a circular motion until her entire face was obscured.
The Pope being transported in the offending public phone booth 
The International Olympic Committee, has just announced another demonstration sport for the upcoming 2012 games: Extremely Uncoordinated Equestrian Dressage. 
Beloved Channel 2 Morning Weatherman Chappy Scrota was gunned down during his 8 AM broadcast by a summer intern from the station's inside sales department. Seen here at a happier time, Mr. Scrota became famous for inviting members of the crew to take shots at the temperature displays on the weather map using his personal collection of Walther P99 pistols. He would playfully call out the temperatures while dodging the bullets that were whizzing about the studio.
Your average Percy Plush photo In a surprise move, Mr. Percy Plush, the infamous out of focus New York Post Society Page Photograper, was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for Breaking News Photography. Mr. Plush, who is legally blind and walks with the aid of a talking iPod, two seeing eye dogs and a curare tipped cane, was overcome with emotion when he was awakened this morning by a 3 AM crank call. His photographs came to the attention of the nominees when they were included in a routine eye exam for cataracts taken by the Dean of the Columbia School of Journalism.
In their third unsuccessful attempt to set a new Guinness World Record in the Most Participants Having Unprotected Sex in a Government Building category, the entire Korean National Assembly forgets to take their clothes off when the cameras finally got rolling.
With the pound reeling and unemployment in the 
Lebanese Prime Minister Fouad Siniora and his government ministers have agreed to appear in a series of matches on a WWE Pay Per View special "Hell in Bint Jbeil."
An unauthorized photo of Habibi Qubah aka Lil OsamaHabibi abu bin Qubah, previously unknown in the Al Qaeda hierarchy, has surfaced in a new YouTube music video shot in Gaza during the recent Israeli invasion. Mr. Qubah is seen with a variety of hip hop performers including Big Boi of Outkast, Q-Tip, Ghostface Killah, Lil Jon, Scarface, Lil Wayne, and Wyclef Jean in a bizarre dance number "Wadi do wit my ho inda Strip?"
In a separate video, both Osama bin Laden and Ayman al-Zawahiri have issued a fatwa on Mr. Qubah. Islamic scholars call this second video particularly enlightening as it appears that the Al Qaeda leaders realized that they had been infiltrated by a disgruntled former mail room employee of Bad Boy Records.
Voter mistaking official government polling site for urinal
In a stroke of marketing genius that is sure to rev up sales at Kabul's new downtown Kalalibabi Mall and Goat Emporium, a convenient Taliban Lost and Found Department was installed just outside the store's security perimeter.
Her Royal Majesty was not amused yesterday when she was informed that the top 50 search results for Googling her name directed people to a site that sold "Pompous Hats for Old Queens and Trannies."
Much to the chagrin of the local population, it was learned that there was no need for a secret ballot in the region's important al qada by-elections as burqa toting residents cannot recognize each other - inside or outside the polling booth.
In an unanticipated development China News announced that three astronauts, whose only crime seems to have been their refusal to fly anything but business class on flights within Szechuan Province, would be released from Beijing's notorious Reeducation of the Prevailing Wind Labor Camp.
Hank Paulson's reaction when learning that he was named Turks and Caicos Ambassador to Liechtenstein 
Ex-President George Bush has just announced that he was divorcing Laura Bush, his wife of 32 years, and moving in with 3 African women and their 35 realtives. They will be living in the Condi Rice wing of his newly constructed Library and Museum on the campus of Southern Methodist University.
Walt Disney productions announced the opening
Advanced pictures of Donald Trump's new luxury towers in Las Vegas, nicknamed "DaDumpTrump," have become available via prospectus. 
A newly released photo of Tim Geithner in the living room of his luxury NY Gramercy Park digs does not bode well for the U.S. economy.
In an effort to limit the damage resulting from his ad hoc remarks,
Members of the Thai Ginsu-Slingshot Biathlon Team Practice for The Asian Regional GamesIOC President Jacques Rogge announced today that the time honored Southeast Asian bloodsport of Group Ginsu/Slingshot (GuGuCaChu to its practitioners) will be a demonstration sport at the London 2012 Olympics. In a tersely worded statement from an undisclosed location in East Timor, Mr. Rogge, who has not been seen for weeks since his parasailing excursion to Polynesia with a group of Russian female contortionists, said:
"I can think of no better tribute to this peaceful art than to put it on the world stage. Has anyone seen my trousers?"
The IOC's Executive Board, on a scheduled Whoring-It-Up Conference in Rio de Janeiro, could not be reached for comment.
Customers at the 2nd Avenue Bed Bath and Beyond store were surprised when they found human towel racks on sale in the 1/2 price sheet aisle.
Bank of America troubled loan brokers (and brothers) Dingo and Mango Bippititrum attempt to remove their annual bonuses inside a crudely shaped wad of Blueberry Bubble Yum. They were stopped at the New Jersey state line when Lincoln Tunnel toll takers noticed they were still on foot.
Mrs. Enid Tuttle being checked at LaGuardiaTommy Tuttle and his wife Enid got more than they bargained for when the advertised "2 for 1" fare they purchased turned into a story that the family will be recounting for generations. "We never realized that she would have to fly cargo class but it seems it was right there in the fine print," moaned Mr. Tuttle at the memorial service held this past weekend. On top of this misfortune the airline is billing the Tuttles a surcharge for having overweight luggage.
"It appears that Mrs. Tuttle was well over the allowed cargo weight for one bag," said airline spokesperson Margot Dumasse. "She was just about to go into Weight Watchers," Tuttle said ruefully.
The Uconn Husky Women's b-ball team lets it all hang out after the 2009 NCAA seeds were announced.
Notorious Austrian Josef Frizl who kept his daughter in a cellar and fathered her seven children there, has been identified as one of the 73 people to receive an AIG multi-million dollar retention bonus."We can't afford to lose our best and brightest, and he was very amiable, always showing his clients pictures of his family to gain their trust."
In a moment of truth, Queen Elizabeth II reacted to her imminent demise at the hands of the "Edinburg Equalizers" by declaring all Scottish towns unpronounceable and replacing their trial by jury system with Sharia Islamic religious law.
Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir has declared today "National Stamp out Tooth Decay Day'" and ordered 600,000 troops to have their teeth examined and cleaned by a brigade of Chinese dental hygienists.
The selection of one time porn star and shock
The runner-up at the 2nd Gaza International Spelling Bee and
PGA Tour pro Henrik Stenson prepares to make a money shotIn a bid to boost sagging ratings, PGA Commisioner Timothy W. Finchem proposed a strip poker system for it's little watched Skins Game versus the more parochial prize money reward format. "Clearly this will be way more popular with the ladies," boasted the cigar chomping, whiskey swilling Finchem. NBC censors were hesitant to go along with the format change, but when they heard that Dick Vitale had signed on as announcer the deal was sealed.
Hattie Freund in the living room of her Upper East Side apartment
Congrats to photographer Wally Newcastle, who was still able to get this shot away after he was punched in the face by a man in black army boots.
Residents of Flushing Meadows Queens awoke this morning to the fresh smell of napalm and the sounds of brisk semi-automatic fire. In an unannounced military exercise, NATO Senior Commanders rousted nearly 300 residents of the sleepy community at 2 AM and placed them in plastic handcuffs.
In an effort to move away from the sexist stereotype of skimpily clad models with suitcases, Howie Mandel, host of Deal or No Deal, will replace the women with ultraorthodox Jews holding bags of pomegranates.
In an amateurish and wrong-headed effort to recreate the June 5, 1989 tank showdown scene in Tiananmen Square, Stanley Fong of Beaverton Oregon, unsuccessfully coaxes a chorus line of karaoke girls to act "nasty."
A new herbal tea brew designed to ease nagging constipation among Korea's Olympic swimmers received mixed reviews from health care professionals today. Dr. Chung Hung Park Hyatt, Chief Gastroenterologist at Seoul's Happiness Forever Lucky Hospital summed it up for most:
Abner Sabbath, a notorious Utah based sect leader, disguised himself as a giant bee and married two women in broad daylight outside a popular strip mall near Provo Utah.
The Roslin Institute in Edinburgh Scotland has done it again
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