Insurance giant AIG has just announced that it was acquiring GM and Chrysler. "We wanted to shake things up a bit and thought this would be fun," said company spokesman Farnsworth Dimwiddie. Fed Chairman, Ben Bernanke, could not be reached for comment as he was rushed to a local ER in a diabetic coma after hearing the news.
GM reported that it lost $51 under a sofa cushion in the CEO's office. Rick Wagoner, Chairman and CEO of GM, reported that he had a hole in his pants and thinks the bills fell out when he was napping after a heavy lunch. "First the bailout, now this," the chagrined CEO said at a hastily assembled company-wide conference call to report the loss.
The Treasury has just been notified by Citibank that because of their newly acquired 36% stake in the company the U.S. government now qualifies for a choice of a Belgian waffle maker or a month's worth of free checking.
About Me
- The Daily Brew Crew
- Attending criminal trials and Twittering the names and locations of people in the Federal Witness Protection program to mob contacts, Providing color commentary of SI's Swimsuit Issue for Al Jazeera, Proud foster father of 2 Sour Patch kids, Patenting a solar powered penis engorgement pump for nudists with ED, Donations Outreach Manager for Roland W. Burris's 2010 reelection campaign, Designing brightly colored panhandler signs that say Change I Can Believe In, Building a full scale replica of the Verrazano Narrows Bridge out of Lincoln Logs and mint flavored toothpicks, Developing the protocols for the Elders of Zion, Petitioning the UN General Assembly to formally designate The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show theme song as the national anthem of the Palestinian Territories, Designing ransom notes from assorted feminine hygiene products, Pole Dancing at Lumberjack Competitions, Attending randomly selected bar mitzvahs as an ornately costumed emissary of the Holy Roman See, Creating broadly festive videos of violent inmate conjugal visits (for friends and family), Actively training for competition in the blindfolded 4 man bobsled event
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