Rick Wagoner Given Medal of Freedom at White House Affair

Rick Wagoner adds to his medals count

In a surprise move, President Barack Obama awarded the nation's highest medal to departing General Motors CEO, Rick Wagoner. In a brief statement read by Libby Highdicky, a previously unknown prep school lacrosse recruiter whose relationship to the White House was unclear at press time, the President stated:

In awarding this Medal of Freedom to Rick Wagoner, I can think of no greater service to this nation than a man who has serviced an entire industry until everyone involved has spent an ungodly amount of time bent at the middle grabbing their ankles.

President Obama also bestowed the honorary title of "Asshole of the Millennium" on the departing chief executive who could be seen shuffling cards at a Three-card Monte/Follow the Lady stand throughout the President's remarks.