Cult Sells Baby Jesus Dolls for Charity

For Sale: one carton of Baby Jesus

A little known cult from San Dimas California, The Little Cisterns of Mercy Me, has started a charity drive to give back to their adopted community. The group, best known for its unique practice of howling at the setting sun for hours on end, supports itself by participating in technology focus groups and selling 'Baby Jesus' dolls made from shoelaces and discarded placentas.

"We wanted to express our appreciation and gratitude to all those who have piled excrement on our lawn ever since we arrived last week," said Sister Mary Mary Tylermore.

In reality, a sizable judgment handed down by the San Dimas City Magistrate when the cult's leader gutted a moose at the local DMV office, appears to have been the impetus for the sudden benevolence. The sect had been protesting the enforcement of alternate-side-of-the-sheikh parking regulations at their compound in the Blind Maggot Trailer Park and Casino National Wetlands, when things got a little out of hand.

Lifestyle: When Pigeons Attack

(Dateline Lima, Peru)

In an unexplained incident, a group of Peruvian schoolchildren were attacked by a flock of pigeons while waiting for their headmistress to finish urinating in the school's ceremonial carp pond. The birds swooped in without warning while the children were singing "I am your Spaniel" from Act I of the English opera, A Midsummer Night's Dream by Benjamin Britten.

In a related occurrence, 5th grade class president Hortensia Beluga, shat her pants when the birds attacked, and was remanded to local authorities for etiquette lessons and decontamination.

City officials were at a loss to explain why the headmistress chose the carp pond to relieve herself versus her normal site, the school cafeteria express checkout stand.

Taliban to Get New Uniforms

Abu Dabi bin Islandhop models the "new look" Taliban uniform

In an effort to get more positive press, senior Taliban mullahs have ordered a re-design of the baggy pants fighting uniform their weekend warriors have popularized in heavy skirmish photo-ops. Helge Betelgeusse, a noted Swedish fashion designer and this year's "Coming Out Princess" on the Royal Caribbeans Cruise to Hackensack, has been commissioned to provide a new look for these mangy mujahadeen. After 6 exhaustive and exciting months taking fittings, especially in the seat and crotch areas, Mr Betelgeusse has produced what some admirers consider his best work (see photo above).

"I tried to achieve a mix of nonchalant insouciance with a more formal, evening wear didactic," purred the winner of 1977's Betty Crocker Buttermilk Pancake Griddle Off. "Nothing says carved scrotal sac stuffed in the mouths of heathen infidels than a bespoke red uniform with Easter Parade hat."

Giant Rat Washed up in SF

San Francisco natives were shocked and dismayed when they woke up this morning to discover a giant rodent floating right outside the city's Fisherman's Wharf tourist area.

"It's bad enough we have the homeless accosting our visitors, now we have this giant rat we have to deal with," bemoaned Mayor Gavin Newsom.

It is not clear how the rat got there, but local pet shop owner Latitia Moog has been missing for three days. Newly disgraced San Francisco transsexual Police Commisioner Bobbi Scroggins, has told the press that (s)he has a hunch that there may be some clues in Ms Moog's pet boutique, The Giant Rat.

Swine Flu Aftermath - Zorro's Identity Revealed

In an unexpected outcome of the Mexican Swine flu pandemic, Zorro's true identity was revealed when he was forced to wear his mask over his mouth versus his eyes.

Don Diego de la Vega, aka Zorro, was pissed to no end when Sergeant Garcia stopped him at a local DUI checkpoint and arrested him for outstanding warrants. When brought before Magistrate Carlos "Two Ton Tomas" Galindo, Don Diego pleaded the rare combination of insanity and identity theft.

The case was summarily dismissed when the judge realized that the Sergeant was sucking on a bouquet of Chihuahuan peyote plants during the proceedings.

Arlen Specter Announces "Trifecta" Switch to Gay Lifestyle

Arlen Specter and his mom, Edith Ann, meet the press

In a stunning move, Senator Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania, Phil Spector's half-brother and an unindicted co-conspirator in Mr. Spector's recent murder trial, announced that not only was he switching parties but that he was also switching sexual preference. He formally announced that he was applying for residency in Iowa and that he had switched his allegiance from his just announced Democratic Party to the Pansexual Peace Party. Senator Specter held his mother's hand throughout the entire press conference and said that if it weren't for her constant cajoling and cooing, he would never have made the transition.

When asked to comment on his sudden second move within an hour of his first announcement to leave the Republican Party, Senator Specter would only say "My package always seemed too big for either the Republican or Democratic tents."

Michael Steele, Republican National Committee Chair, was in Dar es Salaam serving as a celebrity judge for a topless combination reggae/limbo regional championship and unavailable for comment.

Iowa Gay Couple Want to Adopt Plant

Pushing the envelope, a newly married Iowan same-sex couple, Buford and Cornelius Howard-Johnson, have applied to adopt a houseplant (center of photo).

The happy couple said they had no female friends who would be willing to serve as surrogates. In fact, they had no female friends or acquaintances at all since they hung out in bath houses 98% of the time trolling for easy marks and drugs.

"We figured adopting would be the easiest way to go. And we've had this here geranium for so long we've become attached to it," offered Buford in a drunken slur.

State officials were not sure how to proceed and were consulting with a local botanist and part-time lawn bowling memorabilia collector to understand the social implications of the proposed adoption. "Bottom line is we want to know how it would affect the buds," said State Senator Warren Peese.

Source of Swine Flu Discovered

Mexican health authorities announced that a migrant used vacuum cleaner salesman who kept mutant pigs in his cellar for sale to exotic pet collectors was the source of the current swine flu pandemic.

Manuel "El pollo loco" Cruz Mendoza de Tocador Asqueroso raises a rare breed of furry swine that have become all the rage with disgraced Wall Street bankers now occupying their grand estates in Bimini and the Outer Hebrides. Mr. de Asqueroso did not realize that these exotic pets were having unprotected sex with the rare Szechuan black chickenhawks he keeps in the pre-school he runs out of his basement, with the unexpected product of their unholy union being the current swine flu virus.

Mexican authorities have now quarantined both Mr. de Asquroso and his pigs at the Mexico City Grand Hyatt where they will be staying until further notice. The chickenhawks have been distributed to local residents for resale at farmers markets across the Yucatan.

Science: New Study Links Sweets to Higher IQs

Mensa members Waldine Plugg & Thomasina Klemp prepare to study for the LSATs

The results of a highly controversial clinical trial just published in this month's Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) showed a direct and high correlation between great intelligence and the ingestion of junk candy. Doctor J Beresford Tipton, of the Institute of Fructose Intolerance, reported on the exhaustive 7 year study:

It seems that the more we shtupped these test subjects with Mars Bars and candied yams, the better they did on intelligence tests. Granted, we used overweight, single Jewish women from large cities in the northeast as test subjects; however the results were astonishing in that scores on the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale increased by by 50% in 2 weeks (see dietary list below).

Post Shtupp Photo

Male test subject after 2 weeks - bigger AND smarter

Over the 2 week period, and in a controlled environment, subjects were fed:

134 pounds of refined sugar excluding honey
365 servings of soda pop (638 cans per year for people aged 12-29)
200 sticks of gum
22 pounds of candy
63 dozen doughnuts
60 pounds of cakes and cookies
23 gallons of ice cream

IQs were increased from an average of 112 to 170 in that time period.

According to the vast majority of trial particpants, the benefits far outweighed the slightly negative impacts of bearing children with Type 2 diabetes and contracting a gamut of trivial side effects including heart disease, stroke, blindness, amputations, kidney disease, neuropathy, central obesity, and Dyslipidemia.

Deluxe Cruise Ship Gets Big Sendoff

First Officer on the Panamanian cruise ship Lead Platypus prepares to leave port

The owners of the newly built cruise ship, the Lead Platypus out of Nutley New Jersey, just announced the inaugural sailing date as the very patriotic 4th of July, 2009. In large banner headlines on its website, the Bilgepump Group hailed its new vessel as a state-of-the-art floating garbage skow with entertainment and a steady supply of high quality pharmaceuticals.

Education is a core focus of the first cruise, with the Bilgepump Group's long established and renowned guest speaker program on tap. Included in the maiden voyage are some of the country's most celebrated female impersonators relating their disturbingly bizarre views on contemporary issues as well as the only Spanish-speaking ventriloquists that can mime solutions to random quadratic equations while swimming alongside the ship in piranha infested waters.

Days at sea are spent foraging for anything edible, while open seating dining means you can ponder the ancient mysteries of why anyone would spend $50,000 for a stateroom on a boat the size of a small studio apartment. Other daytime options include horsewhipping, attending the many writing and singing of lewd limericks workshops, joining a recreational drug class, or losing yourself in that good book you find while browsing the captain's extensive pornography collection he keeps in his stained bedding chest.

Evening activities include cannibalism, classical kazoo concerts, after dinner nude walks in villages governed by Sharia law, plus the occasional surprise beheading classes given by Islamic Jihaddists ashore.

Bon Voyage to the lucky travelers, and welcome aboard!

Music Vibes: Pussycat Dolls Announce New Lead Singer

The Pussycat Dolls, the American pop girl group and dance ensemble, just announced that Xena Wampuss (picture right) will replace their lead singer Nicole Scherzinger.

Before joining the group, Ms Wampuss was both the 2nd guitarist for The Rock Cats, and the household pet of Adelle Cockburn, a retired car bomb wiring instructor from Bayside Queens. The Rock Cats were a niche group noted for playing cockfights, Columbian drug cartel fiestas and the odd bat mitzva.

Attempts to reach the group's publicist were unsuccessful as it appears she was in a crack inspired haze at the time of this report.

Kate Winslett Ages for Titanic II

In a response to complaints by fans that her flaccid skin, loose wrinkles and pallid demeanor spoiled her movie with Brad Pitt, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," Kate Winslett has decided to perfect the aging process to play a more mature Rose DeWitt Bukaters in 'Titanic II - She's Back!'

In an industry shattering decision, Kate Winslett (in photo) decided to forgo the use of prosthetics for the role and instead opted for radical plastic surgery. "I love what it does for my self-image," the Academy award winning actress told US magazine. "I finally feel like I have the body of a 34 year old inside the body of a 99 year old. Simply smashing!"

The movie's premise has the Winslett character surviving the tragic loss of her ill-fated lover Jack Dawson and thriving as a madam at a Brooklyn whorehouse called "The Salty Seamen." The film is currently in post-production and will be released sometime in "the next millennium or when hell freezes over" according to her husband, director Sam Mendes.

Japanese Whaler Mistakes Oprah for Large Fish

Oprah Winfrey (left) and producer Latesha Jangles consult on Oprah's new diet book

TV personality Oprah Winfrey was attacked on a Chicago park bench this weekend by a visiting Japanese whaler, Hiro Yamatoto. The unprovoked attack almost set off an international incident. In defense of his actions Mr. Yamatoto stated: "I thought was beached sperm whale or maybe giant bluefin tuna. I rush over and try spear it but large black man beat me in back of head. I go back Osaka tell countrymen we need fish these waters."

As it turns out, Ms Winfrey was discussing the publication of her new diet book, "How to Lose Two Tons the Hard Way," with her publicist and executive producer Latesha (Sugarbuns) Jangles. She was unharmed in the melee and attributes the layers of fat she accumulates during the winter months as "natural protection" from predators.

First of its Kind Saudi Beauty Contest to Air on Fox

Saudi Arabian swimsuit contestants pose for Miss Congeniality picture.

According to a Fox executives, the network has announced a groundbreaking series featuring some of the loveliest hotties this side of Mecca. The current working title for the show is T&A Riyadh.

Royal Saud family spokesman Sheikh Ibn So Bust'd characterizes the series as a first attempt by the royal family to compete on an equal footing with al Qaeda for the allegiance of the dessert kingdom's disaffected youth.

In response to a question from the Western press on how the government would reconcile its strict religious views with the broadcast of head to toe burqa clad women striking wantonly lewd poses, the Sheikh replied "Wait till you see what we do to the losers. This will be no picnic let me tell you."

Iranian Leader Visits Tiny South Wales Snooker Tournament

The incredibly bored and drunk patrons at the Snot and Larvae Snooker and Water Polo emporium, got an unexpected visit from a well known head of state while waiting their turn at a tournament in Lillishite-on-Humperdink in the Welsh town of Tonypandy on the river Llanfairfechan.

The little known tournament, pairing the least qualified contestants from just down the road in county Clwyd, was on the European itinerary of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The Iranian leader, who had ducked out of the United Nations conference on Racism in Geneva to "spend some quality time rubbing elbows with other Zionist Jew haters," was met with total indifference by the largely inebriated crowd.

When the confused head of state asked to throw out the first pitch, Snot and Larvae proprietor Myfanwy Amerawdwr clubbed the stunned president with a copy of masonry bound editions of The Gododdin and The Lament for Cynddylan - two tomes weighing over 14 stones apiece.

Santa Waterboarded 266 Times According to CIA Memo

In the latest newly released CIA memo, it was disclosed that Santa Claus (seen in police sketch at right) had been waterboarded 266 times. The extreme measures were apparently ordered by Vice President Dick Cheney in an attempt to force the jolly gift giver to reveal the names on his 'whose been naughty or nice' list.

The memo makes it abundantly clear that this was in retribution for what the former VP felt was an egregious oversight by the "Fat Man." It seems that Mr. Cheney took it personally when he learned that he would not be getting the head of Osama bin Laden on a plate for the holiday season.

Porn Star Says Teabagging is Not for Everyone

Ex Porn Star turned CNN political commentator, Monan Sukhit, does not see anything particularly political about the rash of teabagging parties that sprouted up this past Tax Day. "We used to do this all the time, but it was always on a closed set. I'm just upset that there were so many children present. That Fox News should be ashamed of themselves."

When informed that this was a political demonstration not at all related to her most famous film, Bilbo T. Baggings, Ms Sukhit removed a member of Congress from her mouth long enough to don the hat pictured at left before resuming her unique method of lobbying.

Person of Unknown Sex Propositions Checkout Girl

In a soon to be released video, Allison X (left in photo) attempts to break the world record for convenience store hookups by a person of unknown gender.

This little known record was previously held by Paddi Chayevskipanthatep, a transvestite bicycle repair person in Bangkok.

Best of luck Allison!

Arab Women: Show us your Jihadi!

In an unexpected announcement, the new and wildly popular Al Jazeera Reality Show, Who wants to Martyr a Millionaire, has been moved to Halalidays at 1 AM. The show was originally broadcast during the more highly watched 10 PM time slot.

The program, whose sole goal is to connect wealthy, eligible and suicide-prone Arab men with women of all ages looking for their one ticket out of hell, was especially popular in Lebanon's trendy Burl-ives el-Barajneh refugee camp. What appealed to the women was the simple format of holding up crudely drawn pictures of their ideal suicide bomber while howling at the top of their lungs for the show's entire one hour duration.

"I am so upset," moaned long-time fan Pistawfah el-Shemali from her AK-47 perch in a small minaret near the camp. "I will have now have to choose between assisting in honor killings and my precious program. I am cursed by Allah a thousand-fold."

Fox Host Calls for Repeal of 13th Amendment

In a much anticipated Fox Network public service announcement (PSA), the popular radio and TV personality Sean Hannity appealed for the abolition of the anti-slavery amendment.

Look, if it wasn't for the 13th amendment we wouldn't be in this tax and spend pickle. We wouldn't be barricading the doors against this Marxist fascist's plans to take our guns and rename our children Jermaine, Shaunika and Uganda. And, I wouldn't be reporting from Numfukit Alabama at some Japanese teabagging ceremony.

Judge Antonin Scalia Escorted from Court after Flashing Prosecutor

In a momentous decision, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled 7-2 (Thomas and Scalia dissenting) that Judge Antonin Scalia be escorted from chambers and placed on the National Sex Offenders Registry.

Justice Scalia's only indiscretion seems to have been disrobing in front of the Louisiana Attorney-General during her opening arguments defending the state's routine use of sodomy in forcing confessions from parking meter violators.

Justice Scalia was assisted out of the hushed courtroom by a gay couple whom he had just married in the Visitor's Men's Room.

Mexican Wrestlers Demand End to Gay Marriage Ban

Members of a very rare Mexican Lucha Libra clan of peacock-masked wrestlers paraded through the streets of Guadalajara yesterday in support of gay marriage. As they attacked police they were heard to shout "¡Ay Mommy! ¡Quiero comer sus leotards!"

Attending the demonstration, but not taking part in it for fear of damaging their eligibility for the priesthood, were: Rey Mysterio, Jr., Juventud Guerrera, Super Crazy, and Gringo Loco.

Giant Sperm Attack White House Pet

Bo'bama fends off sperm in a futile effort to remain chaste

In an unusual occurrence, massive spermatozoa from the National Institute of Health's Big Foot Complex escaped their enclosure and headed straight for the White House lawn. In a move of unbridled heroism, Bo'bama, the President's recently acquired Portuguese Water Dog, tried to protect the vegetable garden from an unscheduled fertilization. Overmatched for the task, Bo is being cared for at the Johns Hopkins Center for the Treatment of Maple Syrup Urine Disease. Our thoughts and prayers are with him.

Cross Dresser Arrested in Church

Serial impersonator, and infamous transsexual Rodolfa Krispycrem, was arrested in St. Bart's Cathedral early this morning by undercover police. Pretending to be the newly installed archbishop of New York, Timothy M. Dolan, Mr Krispycrem was stopped short of performing a marriage ceremony between a young choirboy and his pet Dalmatian.

Although there is a remarkable likeness between the two men, Mr Krispycrem has a unique birthmark in the shape of the state of New Hampshire on his right buttock, which was clearly visible from behind, as his frock was completely undone from the rear.

North Korean Leader Emerges from Coke Binge

A much thinner Kim Jung Il holds up a program from the North Korean production of Cats at the Pyongyang Courtyard by Marriot

After a six month stay at a high end spa for cocaine abusers in the Paektu-pikabu Mountains, the Eternal Defender of the People emerged leaner and mores stylish than in recent memory.

Out of the limelight for much of the six months, Dear Leader has passed the time by participating in group colonic purges. He also appeared as both Victoria the White Cat and Munkustrap in the way-way-off Broadway version of Cats (for which he was acclaimed by the Pyongyang Daily Poon as "displaying a rare combination of scatological insight and immeasurably poor taste.")

Accompanying his new body image, Mr Kim has taken to dressing as his grandmother whenever possible.

NY Mets Pick New Mascot

Bernie M, the NY Mets mascot in full glory

In keeping with its long cherished tradition of being mathematically eliminated for pennant contention by the middle of spring training, the New York Mets selected a mascot that would represent the team's ethos in both spirit and look. Bernie M, a chihuahua of questionable origin, was selected by team owner Fred Wilpon who was emerging from a 3 day bender and in a drunken stupor.

The animal, bedecked in a miniature version of the team uniform (photo above), was introduced to the press at a local strip club after-hours party for the players and their agents.

Fake Rembrandt Sold at Sotheby's Auction for Record Price

Painting whose authenticity is in question

A Saudi prince was quite upset after he learned that a painting he had won at auction for a record bid of 88 million dollars (U.S.) might not be an original. The oil in question, a signed Rembrandt entitled Not Prince, was acquired by Sotheby's from an unknown party in Los Olivos California. A major art dealer in London contacted the Saudi buyer immediately after the auction to inform him that the original was hanging in the Tate Gallery.

Sotheby's Auction president, Guy La Foutre, refused to comment on the apparent forgery but admitted later that he had his brother-in-law look at it last week "...and he thought it was fine."

Chinese Frog People Discovered

Frog people under the watchful eyes of Chinese circus trainers

In an anthropological triumph, Chinese officials unveiled their find of a once thought to be extinct "frog" people of Heilongjump province in northeast China. "It seems they have gone undiscovered for millenia because they were all able to hide under the very large ferns that populate the area," said Beijing Museum curator Mao Mieu Mieu Ringling.

Skeptics at the scholarly World Council of Anthropological Associations (WCAA) issued a terse statement on its website: "Complete and utter rubbish."

Public Executions of Obese to Start in Far Rockaway

Models Lana and Maya Lynn prepare to dispatch two unhappy campers
Amid cries of outrage from organizations as diverse as Amnesty Intenational to the Ex-Producers of Live with Regis and Kathy Lee, the Town Council of Far Rockaway Queens has decided to proceed with the public garoting of the morbidly obese.

Council President Millard 'Pageboy' Fogarty, who was instrumental in guiding the measure past the initial resistance of local clergy, was in the midst of getting a Brazilian wax job and was unavailable for comment.

Drunk Obama Carried Home by Youngest Daughter

Malia carrying her father while shocked onlookers whisper about the Prez's reeking breath

President Barack Obama, after another of his purported nightly victory binges vividly described on the Sean Hannity Show, passed out soon after he authorized the shooting of three Somali pirates. As is becoming a tradition in the West Wing, each of the Obama children take turns carrying the inebriated Commander-in-Chief (or as Michelle calls him - Captain Morgan) to the Executive Residence where she has recently installed a state of the art drunk tank.

Before he collapsed while taking a swing at Lawrence Summers, President Obama was reported to have slurred: "This ain't no booty poppin contest. Doz boyz be dreamin to be from the two-one-three Chuuuch."

Van Susteren and Limbaugh to Spar for Charity

Van Susteren (left) and Limbaugh trade playful punches in preparation for the Michael J Fox Telethon

In a first of its kind pay-for-view event to be televised on Fox News, both Greta Van Susteren and Rush Limbaugh have agreed to "Slug it out for Parkinson's." According to Fox News VP JR Moodswing, proceeds will go to the Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson's and Overacting Disease Research.

"We feel both honored and humbled to be able to participate in this charity classic," Limbaugh wildly gesticulated on his nationwide broadcast today. "The sumo theme was a stroke of sheer brilliance on my part," he continued. "It was all designed to provide me the opportunity to give Greta a wedgie to remove her permafrost sneer."

Mr. Fox, when told of the upcoming event, checked himself in to a detox tank for a 72 hour stay.

UN Ambassador's BO Clears Assembly Session

Maya Hagmanji, UN representative from the Democratic Republic of Turkmenistan, cleared the entire United Nations General Assembly last week just before a critical vote on North Korea. Ambassador Hagmanji has never bathed or used deodorant as part of an obscure religious belief system espoused by a tiny minority of the country's Kazakhs, Azeris, and Balochis. When she appeared right before her turn to vote, the entire session collapsed in disarray as delegates stampeded for the exits.

Two unidentified ushers were taken to Lenox Hill Hospital with third degree lacerations and the Ambassadors from Byeloruss and Jamaica suffered bruised egos in the melee.

At the request of the United Nation's Security Council, Ambassador Hagmanji has subsequently been renditioned to an undisclosed Eastern European country for her own safety.

Constipation Grips Harlem Neighborhood

Hazel Ellis-McGillicutty puts a move on

In a most unfortunate sequence of events, residents of the 8800 block of 145th Avenue in Harlem all began experiencing severe gastric distress after the Sunday potluck dinner at Our Sisters of God Almighty Aren't You Done Wit Dat Man Lutheran Church. Scores of worshippers soiled the sidewalks surrounding the church after eating what was later deemed as "chitlins of questionable origin" by the City's Medical Examiner.

Minister Still Looking for Contact Lens

Pastor demonstrates the proper technique for finding a missing lens

In a follow up story, Little Sisters of Mercy Mother of Pearl Jesus Made Me Do It Chapel Pastor Mordechai Ajay-Turkmenopause is in his fifth day of searching for the church organist's missing contact lens. Pictured above in a demonstration to parishioners of how to most effectively cover a 300x600 foot worship space, the reverend paused only once in the five day span to attend to an urgent bodily function.

In an effort to prevent eternal hell and damnation, parishioners attempted the tricky Turkmenopause floorscan technique to no avail...

At the end of the day, members of the congregation were inspired by the pastor's behavior. "The Lord moves in mysterious ways," said parishioner Loueezy Crabapple. "Even if it is on his stomach and even if he has shit himself more times than that lazy janitor in my building."

Congregation Dedicates Itself to Recovering Lost Contact Lens

Pastor Mordechai Ajay-Turkmenopause leads a

group of parishioners at the Little Sisters of Mercy Mother of Pearl Jesus Made Me Do It Chapel in the Bronx, in search of the left aquamarine contact lens that had been misplaced by Hattie Bloom, the church organist. It appears that Ms Bloom had brought a defective barrel organ to the church which she had mistaken for a local dinner theater. A rod that was normally connected to a metal pin in the organ disengaged, forcing a column of air up Ms Bloom's nostrils, dislodging her lens.

As day turned to dusk the pastor implored the increasingly frantic and confused congregation to search harder. "Everyone on their knees. It is God's work, this contact lens." He finally turned it up several notches when he reminded the congregants that: "Jesus wore contact lenses for our sins."

Eloping Couple Celebrate May-December Romance

Octogenarian Haggarty being carried over the threshold by her 23 year old lover

Love has no boundaries, not at least for the two unlikely paramours Maggie Haggarty and Brian Youngblood, who is sixty years her junior. Maggie is an 83 year old Massachusetts rest home patient who took a less than healthy liking to her handsome 23 year old scrub nurse. According to medical records which were posted on her Facebook page, Ms Haggarty suffers from a rare combination of bipolar disorder with extreme manic episodes and a more than occasional addiction to a series of psychoactive medications including antipsychotics, barbiturates, and tricyclic antidepressants.

Fond of always repeating the phrase "I got a meth lab between my legs," Ms Haggarty was thought to have enticed the younger man into marrying her by claiming to be a niece of the late Reza Shah Pahlavi of Iran.

The couple was recently spotted in Las Vegas (photo above) heading for the honeymoon suite at the less than ritzy Four Aging Queens and the Deuce of Hearts Hotel and Casino.

Ugly, Big Nosed Crowd Terrorize Asian Market

Lee Chow Chow Cheehaphet runs a small Thai-Korean grocery store in Spanish Harlem. On the best of days he might see 50 people over a span of his normal 22 hour workday. Yesterday, a crowd of over 250 pockmarked Byelorussian sailors on shore leave mistook his kim chee scented store for a brothel and demanded immediate "domestic access."

Mr Cheehaphet, already at a loss for words in the English language, a tongue he found more amusing than useful, mistakenly took in over $20,000 in receipts for which he provided 250 bags of Lays Potato Chips.

"Dey say Lay," implored the diminutive Korean as he watched his store trashed by scores of horny sailors. Police eventually were called and all involved had a hearty laugh. Insurance adjusters estimate the damage to the establishment at a half million dollars.

State Agrees to Madoff Apartment Redesign

Bernie Madoff relaxes in his redesigned Park Ave apartment

In a new ruling by the NY State Cout of Appeals, Bernie Madoff has been allowed to redecorate his 14 room luxury Park Avenue co-op to simulate a jail cell.

The work was awarded to the firm of Appelsauce, Christmas, and Finklestein Interior Design. Total cost of the effort to refurbish the chichi digs as a cornhole friendly space suitable for an ex-billionaire was 10.5 million dollars.

Jailer Jasper Johanssen reports that Mr. Madoff spends most of his time surfing the internet for porn and cheap stocks and purchasing luxury apartments in his building.

Papal Swiss Guard Adds New Woman Member

Ms. Von Meggen smiles for the cameras

In an unusual move the Vatican has agreed to allow the first female member of the famed Papal Swiss Guard, Extranea Von Meggen, to be named as an Oberstleutnant of the unit that monitors the Pope's bodily secretions. Ms Von Meggen, a native of Flumserberg Tannenbodenalp, was thrilled to learn that she would be the only member allowed to handle the Pope's catheters and penile implant pump. In a brief statement not cleared by the Vatican she said:

It is a dream I have had since I was a little girl dressed in my von and only Heidi Ho outfit. I vill trumpet His Holiness's nether regions until his Muesli puddles grow into a large pool of round herdopfellen und schoggi. Ach, I came in meine lederhosen.

Prince William Taunts the Poor

In an unscripted moment, Prince William of Wales, spent an entire day making fun of unfortunates in the depressed southwest English town of Bristol.

Pictured on the left, William laughs it up with Humphrey Trevor Aldwinckle, an unemployed cannonball painter from Wickets-On-Chissick. In a lighter more affectionate moment William called the younger man "my airy-fairy arse-bandit."

The Queen had no comment on William's behavior, however Prince Phillip characterized the outing as "a large bag of shite."

Schoolchildren Used as Bait at New Museum

San Francisco's new Science and Technology Museum has decided to "Go Green" by using visiting schoolchildren as chum for their world class shark exhibit.

Shocked civic leaders were reassured by museum officials that the city would not be held liable for any deaths or dismemberments and, since the exhibit would create jobs in the fast disappearing embalming industry, it would add much needed revenues to payroll tax receipts. Cash strapped San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom politely applauded the move as "innovative."

Gollum Spotted at Recent G20 Conference

Gollum, once thought to be only a character in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, is seen here clinging to Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi at the recent G20 meeting. When asked what he was doing there he replied: "Sméagol here to get our precious Roth 401(k) money back."

Toddler Dresses Up and Pretends to be President

In his last known official portarit, little Ramesh smiles in his father's suit at the Presidential Palace while waiting for the ice cream truck



Ramesh Ramanpanpoori is a 6th grade student in Lahore Pakistan who attended the prestigious Dasheill Hammett School for the Uniformly Uninformed. His one passion was to lead his Middle School to a dead last finish in the South Asian quarterfinals of Biggest Loser.

This past Monday, little Ramesh (Latex Boy to his friends) got more than he bargained for. As a result of a computer glitch in Islamabad he found himself being transported via government convoy to the nearest Presidential Palace and installed as the nation's Commander-in-Chief. After a quick change of underwear, Ramesh spent the rest of the week condemning people to death, eating tons of chapli kababs and staying up late.

Unclear to the end, he finally succumbed to a mob of angry junior army officers who had just realized they were reporting to a 12 year old.

Obamas Meet Cloned Mini-Queen

In an unusual move prior to the current G20 Economic summit meeting in London, scientists have cloned Queen Elizabeth II in order to both confuse anarchist demonstrators and increase the real Queen's practice time for the world lawn bowling championships to be held in Rumania later this month.

The Obamas seemed initially perplexed as they stared down at the not quite fully grown Queen mum. Michelle Obama was overheard to remark that the resemblance was astounding save for the Queen's voice, which sounded like "Foghorn Leghorn whistling Amazing Grace in a wind tunnel."

"This was the best we could come up with on a moment's notice," said Sir Reginald Hyde-Lillywhite, Chief of Security and Proper Teacup Placement for the Royal Family.