Minister Still Looking for Contact Lens

Pastor demonstrates the proper technique for finding a missing lens

In a follow up story, Little Sisters of Mercy Mother of Pearl Jesus Made Me Do It Chapel Pastor Mordechai Ajay-Turkmenopause is in his fifth day of searching for the church organist's missing contact lens. Pictured above in a demonstration to parishioners of how to most effectively cover a 300x600 foot worship space, the reverend paused only once in the five day span to attend to an urgent bodily function.

In an effort to prevent eternal hell and damnation, parishioners attempted the tricky Turkmenopause floorscan technique to no avail...

At the end of the day, members of the congregation were inspired by the pastor's behavior. "The Lord moves in mysterious ways," said parishioner Loueezy Crabapple. "Even if it is on his stomach and even if he has shit himself more times than that lazy janitor in my building."