Papal Swiss Guard Adds New Woman Member

Ms. Von Meggen smiles for the cameras

In an unusual move the Vatican has agreed to allow the first female member of the famed Papal Swiss Guard, Extranea Von Meggen, to be named as an Oberstleutnant of the unit that monitors the Pope's bodily secretions. Ms Von Meggen, a native of Flumserberg Tannenbodenalp, was thrilled to learn that she would be the only member allowed to handle the Pope's catheters and penile implant pump. In a brief statement not cleared by the Vatican she said:

It is a dream I have had since I was a little girl dressed in my von and only Heidi Ho outfit. I vill trumpet His Holiness's nether regions until his Muesli puddles grow into a large pool of round herdopfellen und schoggi. Ach, I came in meine lederhosen.