Mensa members Waldine Plugg & Thomasina Klemp prepare to study for the LSATsThe results of a highly controversial clinical trial just published in this month's Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) showed a direct and high correlation between great intelligence and the ingestion of junk candy. Doctor J Beresford Tipton, of the Institute of Fructose Intolerance, reported on the exhaustive 7 year study:
It seems that the more we shtupped these test subjects with Mars Bars and candied yams, the better they did on intelligence tests. Granted, we used overweight, single Jewish women from large cities in the northeast as test subjects; however the results were astonishing in that scores on the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale increased by by 50% in 2 weeks (see dietary list below).
Post Shtupp Photo
Male test subject after 2 weeks - bigger AND smarter
Over the 2 week period, and in a controlled environment, subjects were fed:
134 pounds of refined sugar excluding honey
365 servings of soda pop (638 cans per year for people aged 12-29)
200 sticks of gum
22 pounds of candy
63 dozen doughnuts
60 pounds of cakes and cookies
23 gallons of ice cream
365 servings of soda pop (638 cans per year for people aged 12-29)
200 sticks of gum
22 pounds of candy
63 dozen doughnuts
60 pounds of cakes and cookies
23 gallons of ice cream
IQs were increased from an average of 112 to 170 in that time period.
According to the vast majority of trial particpants, the benefits far outweighed the slightly negative impacts of bearing children with Type 2 diabetes and contracting a gamut of trivial side effects including heart disease, stroke, blindness, amputations, kidney disease, neuropathy, central obesity, and Dyslipidemia.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment