Sara Palin Discloses Why Johnny Can't Read

A crosswalk in front of former Alaska Governor Sara Palin's residence is symptomatic of the general state of education in this country - Johnny can't read because state budget crises have forced local officials to use cheap imitation stencils from the Federal Department of Transportation.

"It's the liberal media that's behind all this," Ms Palin shrieked at her final news conference. "If it wasn't for all those Hollywood radicals who our brave troops have died for in Pakistan, we would be somewhere else now by now or not."

In an awkward development, Alaska State law enforcement officers had to use the jaws of life to remove Todd Palin, the former Governor's husband, from her leg during the press conference.

In Politics: Afghan President Campaigns Like It's 1984

Hamid Karzai in his new US donated Afghans In Motion (AIM) campaign wagon

In the upcoming Afghan national elections, President Hamid Karzai is taking a page right out of the last two John McCain presidential runs - using a campaign bus modeled after the senator's Straight Talk Express. He calls it Afghans in Motion, or AIM.

Funded by donations from well meaning goat herders and the odd poppy field day laborer, the vehicle was outfitted as both a tour bus and a Roto-Rooter dispatch truck. President Karzai felt that his latest campaign theme of "Cleaning up the shit in Kabul Before it All Runs Downhill" was a winning one, and personally supervised the artwork on the unusual political transport. In a related event, local Taliban fighters were attempting to get their own campaign truck operational before the fall elections but were having trouble keeping suicide bombers from exploding as soon as they turned on the ignition.