Susan Boyle Harrassed in Own Home

Larry King producers making Susan Boyle's life miserable in her own kitchen

The 2009 Britain's Got Talent singing sensation Susan Boyle has not known a moment of calm since her notorious audition on the popular British show. Because of her homely looks and frumpy appearance, her voice threw people for such a loop that her small Scottish home in Kilts-Up-Your-Canoodle-Boodle was deluged by the world media.

Pictured above, Ms Boyle cannot even prepare a simple dish of Haggis without a gaggle of production crew pulling on her skirt strings and compression stockings. (As a favor to this blog, Ms Boyle's has shared her favorite recipe for that special dish.)

First, I go to old Dubhthach Wilberforce's butcher shop and gut a sheep. I take the heart, liver and lungs and place it in a brown garbage bag filled with minced onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, and salt. I mix the entire affair by placing it in my girdle and jump on a trampoline for 5 hours. Afterwards all I do is boil what's left in the animal's stomach for approximately three hours. Serves 27.

Cult Leader Relaxes at Utah Retreat

Cult leader Felix Ogundlicz, pictured at right, takes time off from evading Animal Protective Services to relax with a couple of his newest "bitches."

The cult, which bills itself as the largest Man-Dog-Love non-profit in the continental United States, is aggressively pursuing national legislation legalizing inter-species marriage. In a written statement (Mr. Ogundlicz had his vocal cords removed last year as a result of an unfortunate 10 man bobsled accident) the cult leader noted:

"Man wuz ment to spred his sede with all Godz creetures." This reporter can only wish him a speedy recovery from whatever bizarre disease is affecting his powers of rational thought.

Gonzaga Mascot Sex Tape Shows Bad Behavior

Spike, the Gonzaga mascot, caught performing a lewd act on an unsuspecting Zag cheerleader

In a remarkable turn of events, the mascot for the nationally ranked Gonzaga bulldogs basketball team has been charged with lewd and unbecoming conduct by the Spokane Washington Bureau of Animal Control. An unauthorized sex tape that had reportedly been circulating on campus for some weeks eventually made its way to YouTube, where interim University President Mortimer Flumoxx watched it over 2,000 times before calling authorities.

"At first I couldn't believe my eyes," President Flumoxx choked in a controlled sob, "so I called my secretary in and we watched it together for hours. We were both spent by the time it was over."

Animal Control Officer Peneleope Pan Demic placed the cuffs on the embarrassed bulldog in front of a large crowd of drunken academes during the nationally televised College Beer Pong Championships. Spike goes before Judge Timothy Spayed next Tuesday. All bets are off on the outcome of that appeal.

Freak Sandstorm Hits Webster Hall Club

Webster Hall, the well known club @ 11th Street between 3rd & 4th Aves, was the scene of a hellish stand storm last night. Dancers were literally swept off their feet by the powerful winds that swirled through the Reggae/Hip Hop, Disco/Top 40, and House/Techno/Trance dance floors.

A spokesman for the club said "this was way more blow than we normally have on a holiday weekend." Custodial staff were still assessing whether any of the shoes left behind could be sold on Craigslist for a solid profit or donated to the local Teen Sluts on Broadway Charity Auction.

Siamese Jews Separated

Chaim and Menashe Finklefarb in a pre-op photo, pretending to be Mother Teresa

In a ground breaking operation, doctors at Our Lady of the Immaculate Conundrum Petting Zoo and Day Spa performed a 14 hour procedure to remove two orthodox Jews who had been co-joined at the wallet since birth. Chaim and Menashe Finklefarb had been living hand to mouth for the past 25 years, relying on the kindness of religious zealots in their tiny village of Rio Shtetl-on-the-Hudson until they were dicovered by a group of visiting Chechnyan opthamologists.

Known as "those meshugennah kupps" in the small orthodox community, the brothers would often put on religious morality plays in the nude while singing original gospel songs inspired by the teachings of Muammar Qadafi and Mother Teresa. Oddly enough, just before they went under the knife, they were signed by Roc-A-Fella Records to perform with Jigga himself, Kanye West and Memphis Bleek at the upcoming Kikes, Bikes and Dykes festival.

In a joint press conference held just days after the operation, both brothers thanked their doctors, the Rabbi of the local temple Kiryat Handjob, and "Jesus our Lord and Savior."

Wolverine Actor Upset at New Do

Hugh Jackman was completely beside himself when he saw what Paramount Pictures hair stylist, Mr. Jocko, did in preparation for the new XMEN movie: XMEN - the Final Solution to Britain's Got Talent.

In a string of expletives not appropriate for this blog, the actor went into the unsavory lineage of Mr. Jocko to a degree not chronicled since early Shakespearean times. Studio exec, Penelope Goodfeather, strove to paper over the dispute by telling this reporter:

"Hugh is a little high strung since we told him that the new film calls for his character to acquire a full-blown case of Tourette's while wearing slit cocktail dresses and matching pearls for a majority of the movie. We continue to have the utmost confidence in both Messieurs Jocko and Jackman as they each pursue uniquely bizarre visions of their crafts."

NY Philharmonic Members Forced to Practice at Home

Barney Skench, NY Philharmonic First Tubaist , conducts a midnight practice session in his studio apartment while his wife looks on

The New York Philharmonic, beset by the same budget problems as many of the city's premier cultural organizations, has lost its lease at Lincoln Center. In a creative and highly unusual solution, Concertmeister Franz-Willhelm Heidi Arausskraut has demanded that each of the orchestra's 82 musicians prepare for the upcoming Summer of Mozart Festival by practicing separately in their own residences while connecting with each other via webcam and a 56K baud modem.

With the loss of Lincoln center as a venue, the new site has been announced as the After School Program Office of the Horace Mann School for the Curmudgeonly and Inflamed on 188th street and Columbus Avenue. Although the school was shuttered at the end of June because of the Swine Flu epidemic, the After School program has been fumigated and has been deemed germ free by the city's Board of Janitorial Excellence.

Veteran Raises Awareness of Animal Cruelty

In homage to the recent release of NFL quarterback Michael Vick, an 89 year old special ops veteran of the 1978 Uganda-Tanzania War of annexation is trekking across the United states with his dead dog Starlet, collecting donations along the way.

Mr. Oswald Puigh was emotionally overcome by the pictures of the animals Mr. Vick had used in his illicit dog fighting operation that he ran in his home state of Georgia. Mr. Puigh wanted to embark on a nationwide walk-a-thon to take advantage of a "learning moment." When this reporter asked him what message he was specifically trying to convey, Mr. Puigh, coughing up blood from his ordeal, stated:

"I want people to realize that we are all God's creatures," he sobbed while dry shaving his Angora cat Blarney in a vat of turpentine.

To date, Mr. Puigh has raised thirty five (35) cents over the initial ten days & thirty miles. The money was kindly donated by a homeless person whom Mr Puigh mugged outside a Wendy's dumpster.

Michael Vick Eyes Dick Cheney as Potential Running Mate

The next big thing for Michael Vick, former disgraced NFL quarterback who recently served time for running a dog fighting operation, will be teaming up with former USVP Dick Cheney in a "No Apologies" tour.

According to reliable sources, the two have been corresponding for months on a prison bulletin board called Cream in my Coffee. What initially drew Vick to correspond with the former VP was Cheney's handle: "FuckY'all."

"It spoke to me," sobbed Vick in a momentary emotional breakdown while attending an impromptu David Vitter/John Ensign book signing event.

Based on a reading of the bulletin board transcripts, the two have decided to remake their tarnished images by establishing a series of Town Hall meetings on the subject of nuclear proliferation and its effect on the travel vouchers of love-smitten Governor Mark Sanford. The series of barnstorms will culminate in a poltical announcement at the 3rd Annual Massa Weezy's All God's Chillun Gots Chitlin Festival to be held in Pederast Junction Tennessee on Labor Day.

Ultra-Orthodox Conga Line forms Spontaneously

As a result of a spontaneous Tweet by a disaffected rabbinical student in Tzumisht New York, a rag tag band of over 1500 orthodox rabbis and FBI informants formed a massive conga line, dancing to an obscure tune by Afrikaa Bambaataa's Universal Zulu Nation.

Traffic in the metropolitan areas was not affected as it was sabbath eve and the only vehicular movement was a disabled oxcart and a brightly colored clown on a unicycle.