Hamas Team Places Dead Last at Hawaii's Ironman Triathlon

Hamas's Johnny Jihadi Triathlon Team prepares for the 2.4 mile swim portion of the event

Ismail Haniyah, senior Hamas Prime Minister, has chosen the athletic high road for his good-natured band of ruffians in their slow evolution from jew loathing non-state terrorist actor to Olympic contender. Using money received from Hezbollah affiliated warloards and Syrian sporting goods stores wishing to sponsor their entry, Mr. Haniyeh has assembled a world-class group of out of work suicide bombers more than willing to do what it takes for a medal.

"I will tear out the eyes of the infidels if they swim too close to me," raged Yoyo Ayyashkabibi, the captain of the elite team as he attempted to inspire his teammates to dip their toes in the placid waters. In a tragic turn of events, the squad never made it to the second leg ofthe triathlon, the 112 mile bike ride around the island, as they all drowned under the weight of their traditional finely embroidered deluxe "Saudi Al Defeh" Style Disha Dashas.

Republicans Have Proof Obama is a Non-Resident Muslim

Michael Steele, RNC Chair, released a photo purportedly showing Barack Obama (far right in photo) voting in the recent Afghan election.

"I mean, the guy has a photo identity card for heaven's sake," screamed Steele on the popularly syndicated Lou Dobbs radio show. "No one's seen this guy in the last 24 hours and this is proof he skipped the country to vote in a foreign election."

To Dobb's credit he only allowed 50 minutes of air time to the segment and signed off with: "I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' babies!"

Swiss Banker Receives Blowjob at Geneva Conference

In a characteristically neutral pose, Swiss finance minister and president, Hans-Rudolf Fredundethelmerz, shows no emotion after receiving simultaneous blowjobs by two Swiss

Geschlechtweiblichzungekehle girls (or Kelly girls for short). The women, who perform this service as a patriotic duty, work for trinkgeld (tips) and the occasional foreign service post.

Apparently Minister Fredundethelmerz was more than neutral as autopsy reports later concluded: "Er starb mit einem Lächeln auf seinen Gesichts- und listickflecken auf seinen Hosen."

Real Reason Whole Foods is Downsizing

Exclusive to The Daily Brewhaha

John Mackey, ex-CEO of Whole Foods (see previous post) and now Anonymous-Blogger-in-Residence for his new dating site, Pot Belly Pig Fecal Emporium, has admitted to this reporter the reason he recently offered the company for sale on the "women seek women" portion of craigslist.

In an unusual moment of candor for the "Jolly Green Giant" (his tag on popular underage bulletin boards) Mr. Mackey said "I was constantly being hacked by gay Eastern Europeans with an obvious agenda," producing a receipt from one of his stores.

Mr. Mackey, wearing a hat made of tin foil and dressed only in a Hugh Hefner silk pajama top, broke down and wept when he realized that his life's work was now the property of Mathilda "Mac" MacKenzie, an unemployed concrete mixer from Des Moines Iowa.

Ms. MacKenzie, when reached by phone, said she was planning to change the orientation of the store to cater to lesbians only. "What do you think of the name "Hole Foods?" she asked.

Whole Foods to Downsize in Tough Market

John Mackey, the CEO of the Austin, Texas based foods grocer Whole Foods, has decided to consolidate the over 300 worldwide locations it operates in the United States, Canada, and the United Kingdom into a single ice cream stand.

Pictured here with his bi-sexual Pilates instructor and National Sales Director, Gwynneth Flush, Mr. Mackey has decided to sell the company on craigslist and donate all proceeds to the International Federation of Uniformed Crossing Guards, headquartered in an undisclosed Quonset hut in East Malaysia.

This was a major surprise to both the company's Board of Directors and Wall Streeters, who immediately recommended shifting portfolios of the stock from Buy to Hold.

When asked why he chose this unorthodox strategy for his company, Mr. Mackey was circumspect: "Gwynneth and I decided that the company needed to be structured around the principles advocated by Joseph Pilates, especially around thinking of the lungs as a bellows." Huckseed Flax et fils, a major Belgian shareholder, is in the process of having Mr. Mackey committed to the nearest green-friendly insane asylum.

Iranian Supreme Leader Declares for World Games

Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, only the second Supreme Leader of the Revolution in modern Iranian history, has decided to enter the 2010 World Pole Vaulting championships to be held in Las Vegas Nevada. Due to his extreme religious beliefs, tournament organizers were trying to arrange for the mass deportation and rendition of local sex workers to friendly Arab states during the popular event.

The Ayatollah prefers to pole vault enshrouded in a modified burqa (pictured at right) and a pair of Twelve Imāms urine-dipped Nike Air Jordans. According to an anonymous source who was not authorized to speak in accordance with hadith (and under threat of being stoned to death caused by coerced confession and corroborating testimony of four male eyewitnesses) Ayatollah Khamenei has been practicing in secret for the past few months and has landed on his purdah more than once.

The pictures shows a reflective Ayatollah preparing for his third attempt at 1 meter (3 feet). This reporter can only say Alhamdulillah, Ayatollah and Yarhamukallah.

Town Hall Faux Pas?

Laguna Honda Carmichael III, a gun-rights advocate, showed up at the recent Presidential Health Care Town Hall, held in Phoenix Arizona, in full AR-15 semi-automatic rifle regalia with matching armor piercing ordinance. Mr Carmichael told the press he was exercising his constitutional right to bear arms and protest, stating he "didn't need no stinking permits since it's my 2nd amendment right to pack heat."

A spokesman for the Phoenix police said the 300 or so gun-toting protesters at Monday's event, including the man lugging a WWII era 105mm T8 anti-tank gun were just "well behaved citizens with no particular grudge against that Hitler socialist occupying our nation's capitol."

It's not as if the police were not doing their job. The man who left his GBU-28 laser-guided Super Penetrator bunker buster outside the ladies Port-A-Potty next to the Taco Bell was given a fix-it warning because his telescopic sight was out of focus.

Congressman Genetically Linked to Peacock

Republican Representative Price, watching a female assistant cross the floor of the House

Georgia Republican Tom Price, the chairman of the House Republican Study Committee and a medical doctor, was just informed on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives that he would be denied access to all Republican caucuses because genetic tests had shown him not to be of human descent. This was seen as a blow to Price, a leading critic of Democratic efforts to pass a health care reform bill, since his criticisms might carry less weight coming from a bird.

In a conference call with reporters, House Minority Whip Eric Cantor (R-Va) said: "It was a good goddamn waste of time every time he showed up for a meeting. The guy was always preening and blow drying his hair. I always thought he wasn't one of us."

Woman Makes Fortune Selling Used Popcorn

Ms Yayanutella makes a sale

In a case of making lemonade out of lemons, Arugala Yayanutella has spent the last 25 years picking kernels of used buttered popcorn from between the seats at Bollywood movie theaters in downtown Mumbai and re-selling them at farmer's markets as an "organic" erectile dysfunction cure.

"Most of my customers are doctors, lawyers and even some judges and MPs," she proclaimed to the Mumbai Mumble, a daily cinema trade publication used by aspiring actors during the region's toilet paper shortage crisis. "I charge them 5000 rupees for each piece. I tell them to place two kernels under their tongue while sitting under a sacred fig tree until a wise man kicks them in the groin. I have never had a repeat customer," she boasted.

To this reporter's surprise, Ms Yayanutella is 3rd on the Forbes list of Richest Unwashed Persons.

Gov. Mark Sanford's Wife Takes Interspecies Lover

Jenny Sanford, the estranged wife of disgraced South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, has decided to marry a polar bear. Seeming to prefer four legs to two, Ms Sanford has never appeared happier to this reporter. In a candid photo I took just outside the gates of the Charlotte SC Animal Rescue and Fireworks Emporium, her new beau was caught peeking up her skirt, an oft noted polar bear mating ritual.

"Not only does he NOT know how to use email, he couldn't find South America on a map if I had it tatooed on a baby seal's butt!" she exclaimed. "I feel like a catholic school girl all over again," cooed Ms Sanford.

Iranian President Addresses Major Rally

Nelwy re-elected Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, rightmost in photo, recently greeted a throng of well-wishers (estimated by officials to be "well north of 15 people") from his modestly appointed presidential balcony.

Seen here, next to Finance Minister, Ali "Two Fingers" Jani Qumlately and the President's half-witted nephew Anoush GivArash, Mr. Ahmadinejad implored the unruly crowd to beat themselves silly with rubber truncheons and dress up in Zionist clown costumes to celebrate his landslide victory.

In a supporting gesture, Mr GivArash soiled himself in support of his uncle's tirade, spoiling the lunches of many in the noontime crowd below.

Guinness Record Set for Simultaneous Tooth Extractions

Dentists with government "job" applicants

Dentists from the NGO "Gums for Tots" have just broken the world record for most tooth extractions in a 60 minute period. The event, held in the wretchedly poor Guatamalan departamentos of Sacatepéquezpezdispenser, was closely monitored by a crack team of Guinness record judges from the Lower Seychelles.

The group assured a large turnout by luring residents from their homes with promises of free government jobs inspecting small mirrors and dental drills once they agreed to participate in a "practice session" to determine if they were qualified for the non-paying, but highly prestigious positions. After signing "hold harmless" waivers, about 450 villagers had more than 4,500 teeth extracted within a one hour period. Most residents, who were toothless even before the event, complained of nothing stronger than casual hypothermia and PTSD-like flashbacks after they were administered massive amounts of laughing gas by volunteer dental hygienists from a local veterinary clinic.

Once the potential record has gone through a rigorous quality assurance check at the Guinness home office, each participating villager will be given photos of their removed teeth and an opportunity to buy a tin begging cup with the inscription "World's Worst Looking Lay" in brightly colored lettering.

Danish Ambassador's Coming Out Party

In an unlikely announcement, even for the sexually liberated Northern Europeans, the Danish Ambassador to the Tongan Islands, Lars Mortensen (pictured at right) announced he was eloping with his long term live-in, Reb Judah Flanksteakenstein (on the Ambassador's arm in photo).

Both men appeared to be deliriously happy and asked for a traditional Danish wedding where they will trade slabs of whitefish, stale cheese and whale meat under a traditional Jewish wedding canopy.

Shlomo O'Herlihy (second from left in photo), Reb Judah's son from a previous marriage to the 2nd runner-up in an aboriginal beauty queen contest, was seen pleading with his father prior to the ceremony to consider dyeing his beard a bright orange and stripping to the waist as a show of respect for his new lover. Danish PM, Anders Fogh Rasmussen, toasted the couple at a strip club in downtown Copenhagen while an all-male nude tuba band played the Israeli national anthem in the background.

Mummy Unhearthed in Massachusetts

A field team of British Museum Egyptologists on holiday in Nantucket uncovered what has been initially dubbed a "major find" by Chief Archaeologist Sir Basil Tomboy-Smythe. In a statement to the press, Sir Basil explained that:

The body appears to be in remarkable shape, considering its apparent extreme age and the fact that its brain was removed by carefully inserting special hooked instruments up through the nostrils in order to pull out bits of gossip and indications of Swiss bank safety deposit box numbers. It was a delicate operation, one which could easily change the shape of the face, and in this case it appears to have permanently disfigured the poor woman. The result was a very dried-out and almost recognizable human form.

As the field team was preparing to stuff the mummy into a Toyota Prius for transport to the closest convenience store for packing in dry ice, federal marshals arrived and tasered Sir Tomboy-Smythe, beat him with rubber hoses and called him "Fancy Pants Boy." Apparently, and unbeknownst to him, Sir Basil was trespassing at a funeral taking place at the Kennedy Compound in Hyannisport. British Museum officials were said to be furious that MI6 agents also took part in the name-calling.

Obama to Chair Death Panels - Strangles Paraplegic

President Obama presiding over the first public garroting of an elderly cripple

In a totally unorthodox political tactic in order to jump-start his ailing health care reform plan, President Barack Obama offered to serve as both Director and Executioner-in-Chief of the new Health Plan Death Panels. Pilloried at a series of Town Hall session with irate and uninformed citizens, President Obama was clearly ready to take matters into his own hands.

"If Nancy Pelosi doesn't have the cajones to belly up to this bar, then all I can say is 'Yes I can,'" the President remarked on an an unscheduled visit to Bill O'Reilly's Factor show on Fox.

O'Reilly, initially taken aback, was pleased with the "no spin" slant on the President's plan. Later that same day, he filed a complaint of sexual harassment against the President, contending that President Obama had made sexually explicit phone calls while on the show, including a "vile and degrading monologue about sex and offensively touching me throughout the interview."

Knee-deep in blood, White House spokesman Robert Gibbs told this reporter he would get back to him after he had finished culling through the Medicare roster for seniors with mild hearing disabilities.

World Piggyback Championships Start

The much awaited World Piggyback Games,

last televised in 1989, began outside the city of Bandar Seri Begawan yesterday with much fanfare and an eight gun salute from Borneo's part-time Volunteer Death Squad.

International Piggyback Federation (IPF) chair, Paduka Maulana Mahasari Sharif Sultan Hashem Abu Bakr Bin Wellhung was ecstatic as he reviewed the opening ceremonies attended by the breakaway republics of South Ossetia and Wajiristan as they joined the only other country participating in the event: the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg.

For no apparent reason, the much heralded event traditionally occurs every 1 K'atun (or 19.7 years on the Mayan Long Calendar) and is ideally timed with the arrival of a ravaging monsoon. "This keeps the unfortunate contestants on their best game," Mr. Wellhung told this reporter.

Pictured above is a special handicap event featuring the transfer of the person being carried (or backi-packi in the vernacular of the sport) to an undisclosed military psychiatric hospital where his family can then begin the scavenger hunt for clues as to his location. The time to beat for this event, and a world record time at that, is a remarkable 38.66 years.

Hillary Clinton to Star with Morgan Freeman in New Religious Satire

U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (seen here at right yukking it up with screen star Morgan Freeman) has agreed to star in a new mocumentary biopic of Muhammad the Prophet. With a working title of Hajj you Doin'?, the vehicle is seen as a kickoff for a 40 city Middle Eastern tour planned by the Secretary next summer to promote good will and to aggressively organize a fatwa to be put out on her husband.

Considered by the world's Muslims as the prophet of Allah, Muhammad will be played by Mr. Freeman in his old age and by the rapper Lil Wayne in his youth. The crux of the story takes Muhammad from thrush-throated carnival barker in his youth to custodial engineer at the lesser known, and much maligned, Medina Apartment Housing complex - all the way to his ultimate career as part-time bicycle Messenger of God.

Mrs. Clinton has agreed to narrate the entire pseudo-documentary using a voice that has been best described as a blend of Minnie Mouse and the recently deceased Bea Arthur. To that end, Secretary Clinton is taking voice coaching lessons from Harvey Fierstein to perfect her role.

Well done Madame Secretary!

New Duck Genus Discovered

Notes from the famed ornithologist, C. Lyle Swallow, indicate the discovery of a species of duck previously unknown to modern science. Reached at his combination research center and floating lemonade stand deep in the Amazon River Basin village of Bumphuquen Mosquitos, Dr. Swallow filmed the fascinating tuft headed creature for over 350 hours as it swam in circles for the entire time.

"I was amazed at its insistence on circumnavigating a patch of water no more than 5 feet in diagonal. I ran out of battery power after 350 hours and it was still going like a whirling dervish. I think it only stopped once to mate and have a cigarette."

US Troops Get Early Start to Halloween in Mosul

Pfc Francis Mule knocks on door of local resident in a surprise Trick or Treat Exercise

In an unexpected announcement by the U.S. military and timed to the release of the new Rob Zombie motion picture Halloween 2, US Marine spokesperson Heidi "Butch" Clapper announced that all infantry troops serving in Iraq would be outfitted with Michael Myers masks.

"We thought it would be a great idea," Chicken Colonel Clapper offered. "Initial focus groups we've had with Iraqi insurgents were quite enthusiastic. As you know, they have always longed to associate themselves with Hollywood and all things Western. Not too mention the buzz we are hearing from troops in the field."

To bear that out, this reporter interviewed Pfc Francis Mule, a four tour Iraqi terrorist interrogator/interior design specialist, who thinks it is a great troop morale booster:

I can't wait to begin my day in costume. There's nothing more satisfying than going trick or treating door to door in my Judy Garland pumps and Katherine Hepburn pleated gabardine pants, and garroting some hapless piece of terrorist shit while whistling "Oh What a Beautiful Morning." You know it's the opening song from the musical Oklahoma! by composer Richard Rodgers and lyricist/librettist Oscar Hammerstein II.