Mummy Unhearthed in Massachusetts

A field team of British Museum Egyptologists on holiday in Nantucket uncovered what has been initially dubbed a "major find" by Chief Archaeologist Sir Basil Tomboy-Smythe. In a statement to the press, Sir Basil explained that:

The body appears to be in remarkable shape, considering its apparent extreme age and the fact that its brain was removed by carefully inserting special hooked instruments up through the nostrils in order to pull out bits of gossip and indications of Swiss bank safety deposit box numbers. It was a delicate operation, one which could easily change the shape of the face, and in this case it appears to have permanently disfigured the poor woman. The result was a very dried-out and almost recognizable human form.

As the field team was preparing to stuff the mummy into a Toyota Prius for transport to the closest convenience store for packing in dry ice, federal marshals arrived and tasered Sir Tomboy-Smythe, beat him with rubber hoses and called him "Fancy Pants Boy." Apparently, and unbeknownst to him, Sir Basil was trespassing at a funeral taking place at the Kennedy Compound in Hyannisport. British Museum officials were said to be furious that MI6 agents also took part in the name-calling.