Obama to Chair Death Panels - Strangles Paraplegic

President Obama presiding over the first public garroting of an elderly cripple

In a totally unorthodox political tactic in order to jump-start his ailing health care reform plan, President Barack Obama offered to serve as both Director and Executioner-in-Chief of the new Health Plan Death Panels. Pilloried at a series of Town Hall session with irate and uninformed citizens, President Obama was clearly ready to take matters into his own hands.

"If Nancy Pelosi doesn't have the cajones to belly up to this bar, then all I can say is 'Yes I can,'" the President remarked on an an unscheduled visit to Bill O'Reilly's Factor show on Fox.

O'Reilly, initially taken aback, was pleased with the "no spin" slant on the President's plan. Later that same day, he filed a complaint of sexual harassment against the President, contending that President Obama had made sexually explicit phone calls while on the show, including a "vile and degrading monologue about sex and offensively touching me throughout the interview."

Knee-deep in blood, White House spokesman Robert Gibbs told this reporter he would get back to him after he had finished culling through the Medicare roster for seniors with mild hearing disabilities.