Whole Foods to Downsize in Tough Market

John Mackey, the CEO of the Austin, Texas based foods grocer Whole Foods, has decided to consolidate the over 300 worldwide locations it operates in the United States, Canada, and the United Kingdom into a single ice cream stand.

Pictured here with his bi-sexual Pilates instructor and National Sales Director, Gwynneth Flush, Mr. Mackey has decided to sell the company on craigslist and donate all proceeds to the International Federation of Uniformed Crossing Guards, headquartered in an undisclosed Quonset hut in East Malaysia.

This was a major surprise to both the company's Board of Directors and Wall Streeters, who immediately recommended shifting portfolios of the stock from Buy to Hold.

When asked why he chose this unorthodox strategy for his company, Mr. Mackey was circumspect: "Gwynneth and I decided that the company needed to be structured around the principles advocated by Joseph Pilates, especially around thinking of the lungs as a bellows." Huckseed Flax et fils, a major Belgian shareholder, is in the process of having Mr. Mackey committed to the nearest green-friendly insane asylum.